I DID IT!!!!

It is the night of Wed. Feb. 4th and as I look back on this unbelievable week I can't help but feel like I conquered the world! We had a great weekend with great friends and Super Bowl Party 2009. After my horrible experience last Wed. during an attempted procedure I had lost all confidence in myself and the whole process. It was heartwrenching and I felt like an emotional disaster. On Friday our good friends Jose and Amy Duran asked us over for dinner and had all of our best friends there to have a delicious steak dinner with. It was a good way to start a long weekend of needed confidence and support. Jose made it that more special by beginning dinner with a toast to Mario and I and dedicating the dinner to us. I can honestly say that God has truly blessed us with amazing friends in our life and it doesn't even feel right calling them that....they are FAMILY!!! Each and everyday that I wake up knowing what journey I am in is a constant reminder that I have such unbelievable people in my life that only want what is best for me and I can't begin to express what that feels like. They constant send their love and thoughts our way. I knew that this weekend was going to be rough and challenging due to the fact that I needed to re-align my thoughts and body with what lied ahead on Monday and the rest of the week. I scheduled a massage at a Shiatsu center on Sunday with Denise and it was soothing and worked out a lot of stress that I had built up from the previous week. Denise reminded me that I was going to be OK. Mario and I then headed to the Tapanes house for a very exciting and fun super bowl party. I have to say that the weekend was what I needed but my anxiety was taking over on Sunday night. Monday morning I took the Valium that Dr. Werlin gave me and waited for it to take over. I never really felt the effects of the Valium which is sort of scary but I guess that is what I get for being a pill popper. Dr. Werlin actually did the procedure himself and used a smaller catheter on me. He apologized and said he probably should've known that I was smaller than the average girl and was so caring and gentle. So as I lie on the gurney with my rosary beads falling out of my pocket, Dr. Werlin told me I'd be fine. Once the saline was injected I did have pain and it soon was over. It definitley was more tolerable than the other one. Thank you Jesus that I got through it!!!!
Then on to Tuesday which was another day of overcoming fears. Mario and I got up at the crack of dawn and drove on over for an ultrasound and then on to injection class. We sat in a conference room with 3 other infertile couples and learned all about our medications and injections. I can't express what it felt like to be sitting in a room with people that were going through exactly what we were. For that small moment I felt like I belonged and was not abnormal or alone. I sat quietly and listened to the instructions and my mind soon started to drift off like it does so often and as I looked aound the room at the faces of the people around me, I couldn't help but wonder what their stories were. I said a silent prayer that all of us in the class got pregnant and then tried to focus on watching Mario learn how to inject into a fake butt. I couldn't help but cringe and think about the shot that I was to give myself for the first time that same night. After class we went and took advantage of the free breakfast at Denny's and enjoyed it and only had to wait 15 minutes. Six O'clock seemed to roll around quickly that day and I knew I had to give myself my first shot. The nurse explained to us that it is a mind game and once we do it the first time it will be fine. I was making dinner for Mario trying to keep my mind busy and while he wasn't paying attention I ran into our bedroom and without thinking twice gave myself the injection! My adrenaline must of been pumping because I did it so fast and then proceeded to go crazy around the house screaming that I DID IT!!! Mario was shocked and it took me awhile to relax. I scratched myself really hard at first I'm not sure why but I did. And then I cleaned my stomach, pinched it and stuck the needle in. It was crazy because once I stuck the needle in I stood there and stared at it in my stomach and then realized i needed to inject the medicine. I have to admit that it really wasn't so bad and I have already done it twice now and am so proud of myself that I have faced my biggest fear in life. My mom was shocked and we talked on the phone about why she knows I must really want this bad because her daughter NEVER would have imagined in her wildest dreams that I could give myself a shot!! I am extremely nervous for the big intramuscular shots that are much larger and are the ones that people talk about that are painful and really difficult. I am taking it one step at a time and will face it when it gets here.
Today was my last day off work and Mario and I took the dogs to Fashion Island. We walked around and when we first got there we saw a lady with a triple stroller with triplets. Mario looked at me and said is that a sign? It was funny to see and we laughed it off. We are sad to think that our dogs are going to have to adjust when we have kids but we will make it work. The range of emotions is undescribable! We just got back from dinner and the thought of knowing I am giving myself injections and living thru it is amazing and exciting. I keep thinking of how bad I want this to work. I ended up getting a stomach ache after dinner and barely made it home in time to use the restroom. Words can't desribe how proud of myself I am after last weeks depression and I am one step closer to my dream coming true!!!!