Desperately Seeking Strength

It has been over a week since I have attempted to write a blog and as I make this attempt I cry for so many reasons! Some tears are from excitement of actually knowing there is a possibility that I might have the joy of being pregnant next month, a few others are from disappointment from today's Dr. visit where I wimped out and could not bear the horrific pain of a procedure and was sent home to re-schedule, other tears are from the frustration of being sick this week and my mind not being in a good place, and lastly they fall from being angry and resentful that this journey is so painful both physically and emotionally! And I guess because I haven't gotten my thoughts out in awhile the flood gates have now opened and I can't stop them. Going back to last week I had blood work done and an ultrasound. My blood work came back with all my hormones being normal and I had lots of follicles on my ovaries without being stimulated so Dr. Werlin says that I should have lots of eggs to harvest when we get to that point. My prolactin was slightly elevated but because I have no symptoms from it he thinks that it was a fluke and he is going to re-do that hormone check next week. Then my nurse calls me and gives me a calendar for the dates that everything will be occurring. Immediately after I hung up the phone my heart started to race and it felt more real than ever! I started the birth control pills and we scheduled a date night to celebrate our starting IVF and had some drinks and laughs with one of my best friends and her husband. It was exactly what we needed and we went to a comedy show and cheered to a blessed year ahead. The next day I woke up feeling like I was getting sick. I am extremely in tune with my body and mind and when I get scared my immune system drops and I tend to get sick. That is excatly what happened. I also then started to pop pills trying to fight getting the flu because you can't be sick during IVF. I woke up vomiting and miserable and haven't been right since. So when we woke up this morning to go have my uterus flushed I was apprehensive but positive that I could do it after everything I have done in the past. I assist in this procedure at work myself and have had similar procedures done on myself so I thought I could do this. Once the nurse put the catheter in my cervix i screamed and I swear it was the most horrible pain I have ever had!!! I really wanted to do it and get it over with but the pain was soooo intense that I just couldn't. Seeing the disappointnment in Mario's face was terrible and I just can't believe I couldn't suck it up for a few minutes. Now I have to go back and try again and I am so scared. I didn't take any pain medication prior to it because I have been on so many things that I didn't want to upset my stomach. So i sit here so sad and and scared shitless that the rest of the procedures are going to be that painful. I just had a really good talk with Jen and she reassured me that it is OK that it hurt, and that everytime is different. I will just take something before and get my mind in a better place and do it! She is so right but my mind is crazy right now. My uterus feels tense, I am spotting, I can't breathe because my nose is plugged i am a mess. I got a big package in the mail yesterday of all my medications and needles. It is so surreal that it all is in my livng room waiting for its turn.

Time has passed the Dr. called and I had to stop blogging for awhile. He was very nice and said that he would like to try it again with a sedative next time. He is scheduling me for Monday and that means that I won't be working for three days straight next week. I swear if it isn't mental it is finacial...I guess that is how this game of life is played. I am going to have a nice weekend and try to get balanced again because next week is the procedure and injections start. So until next time I need all the prayers and positive energy I can get.