Emotional Rollercoaster!

As the days pass by and I look down and notice my bruises slowly fading away from green to yellow and new ones forming on my hips from the newly intramuscular injections that I began today; I realize that the emotional bruises created from this journey thus far will have an everlasting impact on our souls and never fade! Yes we will go about our lives with the joy of becoming parents and raising respectable honest little beings but the effect this has had is quite overwhelming at times. Today was bittersweet I woke up extremley nervous that this day may be embryo transfer day and not be able to fathom how I will get my body to relax enough to let it occur. Each day gets better but because of the number of eggs they retrieved it has been quite painful for me this past week. I also opened my eyes this morning to the understanding that I was to start the most dreaded aspect of IVF and that is the intramuscular shots. And the worst part is every third day I am to give two intramuscular injections and this happened to be the day. I honestly think that everything happens for a reason and I would not have ever overcome this horrific needle phobia I have had my entire life if it weren't for this journey. I have been confronted with the most cruel realities that this is what needs to happen in order for me to become a mother. Well God knew what I could handle because the phone rang rather early and Dr. Werlin told me that my embryos were doing great and he wanted to wait to do a day 5 transfer. This was the best news we could of ever gotten. A day 5 transfer is more successful but very rare. You have to have a certain number of highly dividing embryos which we do!!! When you have a day 3 transfer they are putting embryos that have barely begun to divide into multiple cells. These embryos rarely get past 8 cell. To give you an idea Dr. Werlin said mine should be at 64+ cells and ready to break free from their protective shell and implant in my uterus. Pretty amazing if you think about it. This gives my body more time to recoup from the operation and get my mind focused.
So I knew that I had to get the injections over with as early in the day as possible so that it wouldn't consume the whole day. Eleven o'clock rolled around and I prepped the medications. I told Mario that I was ready and iced my hip for like 10 minutes. As I bent over the bead I panicked big time and felt like I could not do it. I cried and then would ice again and try to pump myself up. All the while my poor husband was helpless. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. He is very strong and doesn't like to show his emotion. He wanted to be strong for me but it killed him to see me panic!!! I didn't realize it but he has not been feeling good lately and is scared for his health after what happened to his brother. It breaks my heart that he cares so much for me that he can't bear the pain of this struggle. The emotional bruises are so much worse than any injection site. He says it is equal to losing his brother at such an early age. He has engulfed himself in music and everyday I awaken to a new playlist and I feel so blessed to have him. I finally after two full hours of complete panic prayed to God to take over my hand so I could give myself the injection. So I DID IT!!!! And then I quickly called for Mario and told him I did it. Seeing my husband's glossy eyes looking at me proud and relieved that I got thru it was priceless. It is a total control thing for me and has nothing to do with my trust for Mario. I know I would not feel it if he had given it I just had to be in control of it. I had iced my butt so much I didn't even feel it. The worst part is that the hormone is in peanut oil so it is really thick. It takes awhile to inject it and now after my hip is sore. I know after a few weeks it will be really tender after repetitive days of injections. If I get pregnant I will have to continue giving myself these injections until I am through my first trimester. These are the most important hormones that will allow me to carry a pregnancy without rejecting it. They also have been known to make you pretty emotional as if I needed more unstable emotions! I sort of feel lost out of my loop of friends since we really just go to dr. appoints and lay around the house because I don't feel good. I want my normal life back. Five of my closest friends are pregnant right now but that is really every year for me but besides the point I received two baby shower invitations. They fall one on Sat. and one on Sunday which is my birthday and just following my long bedrest completion. It is so emotional to think that after this crazy roller coaster that I will be engulfed with baby showers. Now I will make it to both of them because I love my friends more than anything and want to share in their joy. But if I do not get pregnant this time around I will not be attending. I can't put myself through that torture so I pray that I can share in their blessed showers and celebrate my own journey's end!!! This could be a great birthday gift :)

Egg Retrieval Accomplished

It is Wed. Feb. 24th and I am propped up in bed restless as ever and really uncomfortable when I stand up. Dr. Werlin said its because my ovaries are still huge and it will take awhile for them to go down to normal size. I definitely feel better today than yesterday though. So we arrived at the surgery center with sperm sample in hand and ready to go. I was taken back to start prepping for surgery and Mario had to stay outside until I was ready. They started an IV which killed because they put numbing meds. into it which actually hurt worst. My mom and Mario were able to go in and sit with me before surgery.We talked about our future babies and how this is all for them!! I was extremely nervous and emotional and as they wheeled me away I was terrified. And if I think real hard about it, I think it is because surgery is scary anyways but the reality of it all happening is crazy!! Once I awoke Mario and my mom were there with smiles on their faces. They retrieved 22 eggs from me!!! Dr. Werlin said I was great and he would call me later. So I have been in bed ever since and I must admit that Mario has been amazing. He woke up at 4 am to rub my legs because they were restless and he is always right there with my meds when needed. Tomorrow I hope I will feel better so we can try to enjoy a day out before official bed rest begins. Dr. Werlin called us later that night and told us 21 of the 22 eggs were mature which is great because usually only 50-70% of them are mature. We are elated and joyed that we should have lots to freeze for the future if they all divide they way they should. Dr. Werlin called again this morning and said 18 of the 21 fertilized which is perfect and now the waiting game begins. He said he will call us Friday morning to let us know if embryo transfer will be friday or Sunday. The range of emotions cannot be described and I feel so blessed to know that I have 18 embryos dividing and waiting for us. I am scared about the big injections coming and knows not to focus on that but it is difficult. This has definitly been interesting and we wouldn't choose any other doctor in the world to do it with. He kept reminding me in the OR as they were putting me under that he was not leaving my side and always with me. As i cried myself to sleep I heard his voice and was comforted. Dr. Werlin has been fantastic.


This is a picture of my stimulated ovary.

Egg Retrieval

Time has flown by and we are ready for egg retrieval. Tonight I have to give myself an injection called the "trigger shot" this will hopefully mature as many eggs as possible that have grown during the stimulation phase. So far my ovaries have responded well. I have at least 10 follicles on each ovary probably more. So this trigger shot should mature most of those. I am scheduled to go to egg retrieval Tues. morning at 10:15. I am so excited that the time is here but also extremely nervous. Our biggest hopes at this point is that I have lots of mature eggs and that Mario's sperm sample Tues. morning is enough to do the job. I pray that the Lord blesses this process and our bodies and makes everything go perfect like it has been!! Tomorrow is my last day of work until March 16 so the laying around begins. Mario and I are so ready for all of this and hope that we are one of the lucky but few couples where it works the first time around. As the days progress we will get phone calls about how our embryos are dividing and whether they will put them in me on day 3 or 5. WE are very optomistic and so far i have just been uncomfortable but it has not been so bad. I am really nervous for the intramuscular shots that Mario has to start giving me soon so I am not going to be a happy camper at the beginning but hopefully it will not be as bad as I'm anticipating. Tomorrow I have to go in before work to get my blood drawn for my hormone levels and then Tues. is the big day!! So on to the next part of IVF, all the detailed and critical parts that will make this all happen.

Stimulation Update

Stimulation is still going strong. My ovaries are really stimulated and are growing really fast. Dr. Werlin bumped my stimulation injection by half tonight because he said my hormones shot up last night higher than he expected. I definitley feel it more and more and am uncomfortable. Mario is amazed watching the ultrasound everyday and visually seeing my eggs grow overnight. My arms are so bruised and sore but I keep plugging away anticipating egg retrieval. My guess is that it will be Mon. but he has not told us for sure. He did my pre-OP bloodwork today and questionare so I know it is getting close. I am so excited that this is all here but very scared at the same time. Mario said he can't even count my eggs which is a good sign that there are a lot. My lining grew another 2 mm overnight also!! My right ovary caught up to me left overnight so that should be hopeful news. More updates to come as the days progress.

Human Pin Cushion

It is hump day and I have the day off work. We went to our usual appoint. bright and early this morning and had an ultrasound. It is amazing how a couple of days can really make a difference!! My ovaries have lots and lots of follicles and they grew quite significantly from just two days. My left has more than my right but they both have a good amount. My lining is already 10mm and just the other day it was 7. Dr. Werlin told me that everything is going really well. Then I had my bloodwork to check my hormones. A couple of hours passed and Dr. Werlin already called me and said that my hormones are rising faster than suspected. The part that worries me is that he wants me to stay on the max dosage tonight and then go in in the morning. One of the only side effects from IVF is called Hyperstimulation that is rare. It is where your ovaries stimulate too fast and raise concern that your body will react in a negative way. Worse case scenario is that they cancel and get you back on track and start over. Dr. Werlin is the best and knows what he is doing and I am sure would not put me at risk I just get scared. I wasn't supposed to go back into his office until friday now it will be everyday. My ovaries are very uncomfortable today and as the day progresses I feel it more and more. My arms are so sore from bloodwork and I was happy that they would have a day to rest and now I have to go in the morning for more. I am not complaining it really isn't that bad I just am sore and bruised and hope that all goes well. I am lying around today and relaxing. I am so happy that my body is doing what it should and my lining is perfect for my embryos to implant in. So all is well for now :)

Stimulation Phase

It is Sunday morning and the day after Valentine's Day. Mario and I had very chill Valentine's. We went out for lunch and then to the movies at night. I am on day 3 of stimulation phase which is the phase where the most side effects occur for most people anyways. My ovaries are now being stimulated to mature as many eggs as the possibly can in the next week. The doctor says by mid week I should feel bloated and heavy. Emotions probably will be unstable also. I already had my first breakdown on friday. We went to the doctor and then breakfast. My bloodwork was really painful for some reason and I was scared to start stimulation so I was already emotional. Then I look over at the table next to us and see a pregnant girl and just lose it. I could barely finish my breakfast and tried to stop thinking about it. It was really weird because I see pregnant people all the time but for some reason at that particular time it didn't sit right with me. That same night Dr. Werlin called and said my re-check of hormones was normal and the prolactin that came back high previously was normal this time. So I said a prayer and was thankful that I am normal and that all this will be successful!!! I need God more than anything now and it's hard because you can't talk with him you have to just trust. But he definitly was speaking to me yesterday and showed me many signs that continue to prove that he will not leave my side. I can't begin to express what this whole process does to one's mind and soul. It is not for the weak let me tell you. It is one big gamble and lots of needles and appointments. I give myself two shots a day now and have bloodwork everytime I go to the doctor. We are about 9 or 10 days away from egg retrieval which is crazy. I am constantly absorbed in my courage playlist and get such inspiration from it! Mario surpised me with Rascal Flatts concert tickets for March 14 the day before my 32 Bday! I am scheduled to be on bedrest until about March 11 so we pray that I am able to go to the concert. I have seen so many country stars in concert but never my favorite of all time Rascal Flatts. I am truly their biggest fan and listen to their music over and over again and am so inspired by their lyrics. I know that no matter if I am pregnant or not at their concert that I will cry the entire time because their music is just that great and helps me to live my life to the fullest and cherish the people in it. My husband is the BEST!!!! So tomorrow which I hate Mondays I have to get up extremely early to go to the Dr. and then off to my 12 hour shift. I am not looking forward to it but oh well. I go about my week in anticipation of what stimulation is going to feel like and realize it is all downhill from here. I pray that God blesses my ovaries with lots of mature eggs that will successfully be fertilized by Mario's sperm.

Moving Right Along

So it is day 6 of self injections and I have five of those under my belt. The first one was super easy I think it was from my adrenaline being so high. They tell us not to be a prisoner to your injections but at the same time they want you to try to give them close to the same time everyday. So I have had to give them at work and yesterday in the car before a movie because I refuse to do it in a public bathroom. The third and fourth time were difficult I think because I was thinking about it too much and hesitating. I have been drawing blood which I know is normal but the first two injections never drew blood. It really still is not so bad I start Friday with another injection to start stimulatng my ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I will be doing two injections a day starting Friday. The hormone I am on presently is called Lupron it is a synthetic hormone designed to cause an influx of hormone surges to my body which eventually causes it to shut down completely because it is on overload. The first two days I felt the surge because I had major hot flashes all day. I no longer feel hot flashes I think my body shut down and is now mimicking menopause which is what is supposed to happen. I feel really moody lately and realize it is the hormones but also just the experience. You can't help but feel alone. I have incredible support but nobody really understands and knows what goes on in my head. I feel I am in survival mode latley trying to nest and get things in order. I organized my bedroom and have been collecting things for bedrest. My mom and I went shopping for jammies and had a good day shopping together. I am creating a vision board to focus on. The side effects so far are tolerable I have extreme breast tenderness and hunger pains all the time. I researched that these are common and am not worried sbout it at all it is just sort of annoying. We have a Dr. appoint. in the morning before work for ultrasound and I think maybe blood work.
The past couple of days I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and reminising about life and where I've been and where I'm headed and it's so amazing how life cycles around. I am facing the one thing that I said I would never do and am in the midst of it and surviving. I think of the day I married the love of my life and feeling so incredibly happy and safe and holding his hands in mine during our ceremony of the hands and concentrating on thoses words and knowing that it was true but never knowing to the extent of what those hands would really have to do. It puts a whole new perspective on that ceremony for me now! And then I move on to my honeymoon in Hawaii which although we have done a lot of traveling together, there is something about your honeymoon that is special and different from the rest. The feeling of joy is unexplainable waking up each morning next to the person that you will spend the rest of your life with and lying on the warm sand together talking about the wedding and what lies ahead. I often picture myself back there time to time again yearning for that peaceful place that is so surreal to me now. We quickly bought our first home together in our hometown of where we met and were so proud of our new home. We decorated it with all our favorite things and loved to spend time together there. Trying for babies became our next endeavor and it was really exciting at first. Worry took over after a year passed and we seeked medical help. Months and many prcedures later passed by and the depression set in. We tried to relax and go on vacations and enjoy married life but all the while being surrounded by all our closest friends and family experiencing everything we wanted and couldn't have. This then turned into debt. because to keep our minds busy we went on many vacations, concerts, and shopping sprees. This of course did not cause happiness it caused worse depression which then went very deep and consumed our lives. We then had to sell our house so that we could get our heads up and back on track. This is where the cycle of life comes in to play. The house that we bought with envisions of creating and raising a family in turned into a nightmare. We learned that a house and material things do not make you successful or happy. And that house that we bought for our future family ended up actually giving us this opportunity to pay for the ability to try In Vitro and hopefully will give us the family that we yearn for. Without our house we would never been able to pay for this journey so God knew exactly why we would buy this house and sell this house so soon after. A blessing in disguise for sure. The years to follow were amazing and adventureous. We got very close to a new set of friends that are the reason we got out of depression. They are all happily married young couples who have so much in common with us. We knew automaticly that we were going to be life long friends! And now here I am in present time enduring one of the most difficult journeys yet and life has cycled around in these 6 years and it brings me back to a place where I yearn to be a mother once again stronger than ever but with a new perspective on life that nobody can take away or even begin to understand!!! And after losing a life that was so precious to our family I know that another will be born.

CEREMONY OF THE HANDS
These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your child for the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family.




These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through

the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy.


These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief overwhelm you.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Mario, please hold Jill's hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.


These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she promises to love you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

I DID IT!!!!

It is the night of Wed. Feb. 4th and as I look back on this unbelievable week I can't help but feel like I conquered the world! We had a great weekend with great friends and Super Bowl Party 2009. After my horrible experience last Wed. during an attempted procedure I had lost all confidence in myself and the whole process. It was heartwrenching and I felt like an emotional disaster. On Friday our good friends Jose and Amy Duran asked us over for dinner and had all of our best friends there to have a delicious steak dinner with. It was a good way to start a long weekend of needed confidence and support. Jose made it that more special by beginning dinner with a toast to Mario and I and dedicating the dinner to us. I can honestly say that God has truly blessed us with amazing friends in our life and it doesn't even feel right calling them that....they are FAMILY!!! Each and everyday that I wake up knowing what journey I am in is a constant reminder that I have such unbelievable people in my life that only want what is best for me and I can't begin to express what that feels like. They constant send their love and thoughts our way. I knew that this weekend was going to be rough and challenging due to the fact that I needed to re-align my thoughts and body with what lied ahead on Monday and the rest of the week. I scheduled a massage at a Shiatsu center on Sunday with Denise and it was soothing and worked out a lot of stress that I had built up from the previous week. Denise reminded me that I was going to be OK. Mario and I then headed to the Tapanes house for a very exciting and fun super bowl party. I have to say that the weekend was what I needed but my anxiety was taking over on Sunday night. Monday morning I took the Valium that Dr. Werlin gave me and waited for it to take over. I never really felt the effects of the Valium which is sort of scary but I guess that is what I get for being a pill popper. Dr. Werlin actually did the procedure himself and used a smaller catheter on me. He apologized and said he probably should've known that I was smaller than the average girl and was so caring and gentle. So as I lie on the gurney with my rosary beads falling out of my pocket, Dr. Werlin told me I'd be fine. Once the saline was injected I did have pain and it soon was over. It definitley was more tolerable than the other one. Thank you Jesus that I got through it!!!!
Then on to Tuesday which was another day of overcoming fears. Mario and I got up at the crack of dawn and drove on over for an ultrasound and then on to injection class. We sat in a conference room with 3 other infertile couples and learned all about our medications and injections. I can't express what it felt like to be sitting in a room with people that were going through exactly what we were. For that small moment I felt like I belonged and was not abnormal or alone. I sat quietly and listened to the instructions and my mind soon started to drift off like it does so often and as I looked aound the room at the faces of the people around me, I couldn't help but wonder what their stories were. I said a silent prayer that all of us in the class got pregnant and then tried to focus on watching Mario learn how to inject into a fake butt. I couldn't help but cringe and think about the shot that I was to give myself for the first time that same night. After class we went and took advantage of the free breakfast at Denny's and enjoyed it and only had to wait 15 minutes. Six O'clock seemed to roll around quickly that day and I knew I had to give myself my first shot. The nurse explained to us that it is a mind game and once we do it the first time it will be fine. I was making dinner for Mario trying to keep my mind busy and while he wasn't paying attention I ran into our bedroom and without thinking twice gave myself the injection! My adrenaline must of been pumping because I did it so fast and then proceeded to go crazy around the house screaming that I DID IT!!! Mario was shocked and it took me awhile to relax. I scratched myself really hard at first I'm not sure why but I did. And then I cleaned my stomach, pinched it and stuck the needle in. It was crazy because once I stuck the needle in I stood there and stared at it in my stomach and then realized i needed to inject the medicine. I have to admit that it really wasn't so bad and I have already done it twice now and am so proud of myself that I have faced my biggest fear in life. My mom was shocked and we talked on the phone about why she knows I must really want this bad because her daughter NEVER would have imagined in her wildest dreams that I could give myself a shot!! I am extremely nervous for the big intramuscular shots that are much larger and are the ones that people talk about that are painful and really difficult. I am taking it one step at a time and will face it when it gets here.
Today was my last day off work and Mario and I took the dogs to Fashion Island. We walked around and when we first got there we saw a lady with a triple stroller with triplets. Mario looked at me and said is that a sign? It was funny to see and we laughed it off. We are sad to think that our dogs are going to have to adjust when we have kids but we will make it work. The range of emotions is undescribable! We just got back from dinner and the thought of knowing I am giving myself injections and living thru it is amazing and exciting. I keep thinking of how bad I want this to work. I ended up getting a stomach ache after dinner and barely made it home in time to use the restroom. Words can't desribe how proud of myself I am after last weeks depression and I am one step closer to my dream coming true!!!!