The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Faith

–noun 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.


wait   
–verb (used without object) 1. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often fol. by for, till, or until): to wait for the bus to arrive.
2. (of things) to be available or in readiness: A letter is waiting for you.
3. to remain neglected for a time: a matter that can wait.
4. to postpone or delay something or to be postponed or delayed: We waited a week and then bought the house. Your vacation will have to wait until next month.
5. to look forward to eagerly: I'm just waiting for the day somebody knocks him down.


hope   
–noun 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is the morning of Day 4 bedrest and I am going crazy!!! This morning I woke up extremely anxious and do not want to have to wait any longer. This by far is the worst part. Mario has been fantastic. He is really attentive and has my meals ready before I even ask. I wake up each day from a phone call from Jenn who has been my saving grace. I guess 28 years of friendship says a lot about somebody. She has been uplifting and gives me thoughtful things like mommy to be tea. The dogs have cuddled up to me all day and never want to leave my side. My mom is coming over today to make us more food. Tomorrow I finally get to take a shower and boy do I need it!! Maybe I will feel human again! Like I said this waiting is extremely difficult and I am stiff and my hips are so sore from the injections. My mind is constanly hoping for the best but so nervous. You realize all you have left is Faith, Trust, and Hope.
You have done everything possible up into this point in time and now we must hand it over to God. At he beginning I handed it over to him and that is how I got through the journey and now at the end I must hand it over to him once again. I keep desperatley searching for signs that I am pregnant. And I although I know it is way to early I can't help but hope.

Embryo Transfer

On March 1st, 1993 a young mexican kid who can from immigrant parents was impressionable and still trying to figure out who he was and where he belonged asked a blonde haired girl from a middle class family who was somewhat sheltered and naive to be his girlfriend. It was innocent but yet so unexpected. They were extremly different and came from backgrounds that were so opposite!! What suprised everyone is that it blossumed into one of the most intense and loving relationships ever. And 16 years later on that exact date March 1st, 2009 that they had celebrated as their anniversary for so many years became even more special because 2 embryos that had been artifically matured were implanted in her on that same date. After six years of infertility and never knowing that their love had created anything on this date they knew that those 2 embryos were a symbol of their dedication and determination to each other and to their love. They gowned up and as they wheeled her into the operating room he kissed her hand and she silently said a prayer.

So we made it through embryo transfer. They implanted 2 very strong embryos who are very advanced in stage into my uterus. We couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Now bedrest and the long two week wait for our pregnancy test. I am so excited that we have completed one whole cycle of IVF. I am shocked that I actually did it and now I am here in bed waiting to see the results. Some say this is the most difficult part. I believe this because your mind wanders and you have so much time to think about it. Mario is taking great care of me. He barely lets me get up but my hips and killing me from the injections and not being able to move around. I have my embryos picture next to me and I keep telling myself that they are in there and trying to settle. My parents came yesterday and made me a huge basket of GOOD LUCK stuff like a shamrock plant and other goodies. I thought it was so special because when I was born in March my aunt and uncle brought my mom a shamrock plant for good luck and it still is in our front yard. My mom made us a yummy dinner and the Christina came today. It was so nice to have her in bed next to me talking and laughing together. She is truly a special friend that I feel so blessed to have in my life. Her stomach is starting to show from her baby boy that is brewing in her that I hope my children will be close to one day SOON!!! Mario's parents are on their way over right now so it has been nice to have company.

Emotional Rollercoaster!

As the days pass by and I look down and notice my bruises slowly fading away from green to yellow and new ones forming on my hips from the newly intramuscular injections that I began today; I realize that the emotional bruises created from this journey thus far will have an everlasting impact on our souls and never fade! Yes we will go about our lives with the joy of becoming parents and raising respectable honest little beings but the effect this has had is quite overwhelming at times. Today was bittersweet I woke up extremley nervous that this day may be embryo transfer day and not be able to fathom how I will get my body to relax enough to let it occur. Each day gets better but because of the number of eggs they retrieved it has been quite painful for me this past week. I also opened my eyes this morning to the understanding that I was to start the most dreaded aspect of IVF and that is the intramuscular shots. And the worst part is every third day I am to give two intramuscular injections and this happened to be the day. I honestly think that everything happens for a reason and I would not have ever overcome this horrific needle phobia I have had my entire life if it weren't for this journey. I have been confronted with the most cruel realities that this is what needs to happen in order for me to become a mother. Well God knew what I could handle because the phone rang rather early and Dr. Werlin told me that my embryos were doing great and he wanted to wait to do a day 5 transfer. This was the best news we could of ever gotten. A day 5 transfer is more successful but very rare. You have to have a certain number of highly dividing embryos which we do!!! When you have a day 3 transfer they are putting embryos that have barely begun to divide into multiple cells. These embryos rarely get past 8 cell. To give you an idea Dr. Werlin said mine should be at 64+ cells and ready to break free from their protective shell and implant in my uterus. Pretty amazing if you think about it. This gives my body more time to recoup from the operation and get my mind focused.
So I knew that I had to get the injections over with as early in the day as possible so that it wouldn't consume the whole day. Eleven o'clock rolled around and I prepped the medications. I told Mario that I was ready and iced my hip for like 10 minutes. As I bent over the bead I panicked big time and felt like I could not do it. I cried and then would ice again and try to pump myself up. All the while my poor husband was helpless. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. He is very strong and doesn't like to show his emotion. He wanted to be strong for me but it killed him to see me panic!!! I didn't realize it but he has not been feeling good lately and is scared for his health after what happened to his brother. It breaks my heart that he cares so much for me that he can't bear the pain of this struggle. The emotional bruises are so much worse than any injection site. He says it is equal to losing his brother at such an early age. He has engulfed himself in music and everyday I awaken to a new playlist and I feel so blessed to have him. I finally after two full hours of complete panic prayed to God to take over my hand so I could give myself the injection. So I DID IT!!!! And then I quickly called for Mario and told him I did it. Seeing my husband's glossy eyes looking at me proud and relieved that I got thru it was priceless. It is a total control thing for me and has nothing to do with my trust for Mario. I know I would not feel it if he had given it I just had to be in control of it. I had iced my butt so much I didn't even feel it. The worst part is that the hormone is in peanut oil so it is really thick. It takes awhile to inject it and now after my hip is sore. I know after a few weeks it will be really tender after repetitive days of injections. If I get pregnant I will have to continue giving myself these injections until I am through my first trimester. These are the most important hormones that will allow me to carry a pregnancy without rejecting it. They also have been known to make you pretty emotional as if I needed more unstable emotions! I sort of feel lost out of my loop of friends since we really just go to dr. appoints and lay around the house because I don't feel good. I want my normal life back. Five of my closest friends are pregnant right now but that is really every year for me but besides the point I received two baby shower invitations. They fall one on Sat. and one on Sunday which is my birthday and just following my long bedrest completion. It is so emotional to think that after this crazy roller coaster that I will be engulfed with baby showers. Now I will make it to both of them because I love my friends more than anything and want to share in their joy. But if I do not get pregnant this time around I will not be attending. I can't put myself through that torture so I pray that I can share in their blessed showers and celebrate my own journey's end!!! This could be a great birthday gift :)

Egg Retrieval Accomplished

It is Wed. Feb. 24th and I am propped up in bed restless as ever and really uncomfortable when I stand up. Dr. Werlin said its because my ovaries are still huge and it will take awhile for them to go down to normal size. I definitely feel better today than yesterday though. So we arrived at the surgery center with sperm sample in hand and ready to go. I was taken back to start prepping for surgery and Mario had to stay outside until I was ready. They started an IV which killed because they put numbing meds. into it which actually hurt worst. My mom and Mario were able to go in and sit with me before surgery.We talked about our future babies and how this is all for them!! I was extremely nervous and emotional and as they wheeled me away I was terrified. And if I think real hard about it, I think it is because surgery is scary anyways but the reality of it all happening is crazy!! Once I awoke Mario and my mom were there with smiles on their faces. They retrieved 22 eggs from me!!! Dr. Werlin said I was great and he would call me later. So I have been in bed ever since and I must admit that Mario has been amazing. He woke up at 4 am to rub my legs because they were restless and he is always right there with my meds when needed. Tomorrow I hope I will feel better so we can try to enjoy a day out before official bed rest begins. Dr. Werlin called us later that night and told us 21 of the 22 eggs were mature which is great because usually only 50-70% of them are mature. We are elated and joyed that we should have lots to freeze for the future if they all divide they way they should. Dr. Werlin called again this morning and said 18 of the 21 fertilized which is perfect and now the waiting game begins. He said he will call us Friday morning to let us know if embryo transfer will be friday or Sunday. The range of emotions cannot be described and I feel so blessed to know that I have 18 embryos dividing and waiting for us. I am scared about the big injections coming and knows not to focus on that but it is difficult. This has definitly been interesting and we wouldn't choose any other doctor in the world to do it with. He kept reminding me in the OR as they were putting me under that he was not leaving my side and always with me. As i cried myself to sleep I heard his voice and was comforted. Dr. Werlin has been fantastic.


This is a picture of my stimulated ovary.

Egg Retrieval

Time has flown by and we are ready for egg retrieval. Tonight I have to give myself an injection called the "trigger shot" this will hopefully mature as many eggs as possible that have grown during the stimulation phase. So far my ovaries have responded well. I have at least 10 follicles on each ovary probably more. So this trigger shot should mature most of those. I am scheduled to go to egg retrieval Tues. morning at 10:15. I am so excited that the time is here but also extremely nervous. Our biggest hopes at this point is that I have lots of mature eggs and that Mario's sperm sample Tues. morning is enough to do the job. I pray that the Lord blesses this process and our bodies and makes everything go perfect like it has been!! Tomorrow is my last day of work until March 16 so the laying around begins. Mario and I are so ready for all of this and hope that we are one of the lucky but few couples where it works the first time around. As the days progress we will get phone calls about how our embryos are dividing and whether they will put them in me on day 3 or 5. WE are very optomistic and so far i have just been uncomfortable but it has not been so bad. I am really nervous for the intramuscular shots that Mario has to start giving me soon so I am not going to be a happy camper at the beginning but hopefully it will not be as bad as I'm anticipating. Tomorrow I have to go in before work to get my blood drawn for my hormone levels and then Tues. is the big day!! So on to the next part of IVF, all the detailed and critical parts that will make this all happen.

Stimulation Update

Stimulation is still going strong. My ovaries are really stimulated and are growing really fast. Dr. Werlin bumped my stimulation injection by half tonight because he said my hormones shot up last night higher than he expected. I definitley feel it more and more and am uncomfortable. Mario is amazed watching the ultrasound everyday and visually seeing my eggs grow overnight. My arms are so bruised and sore but I keep plugging away anticipating egg retrieval. My guess is that it will be Mon. but he has not told us for sure. He did my pre-OP bloodwork today and questionare so I know it is getting close. I am so excited that this is all here but very scared at the same time. Mario said he can't even count my eggs which is a good sign that there are a lot. My lining grew another 2 mm overnight also!! My right ovary caught up to me left overnight so that should be hopeful news. More updates to come as the days progress.

Human Pin Cushion

It is hump day and I have the day off work. We went to our usual appoint. bright and early this morning and had an ultrasound. It is amazing how a couple of days can really make a difference!! My ovaries have lots and lots of follicles and they grew quite significantly from just two days. My left has more than my right but they both have a good amount. My lining is already 10mm and just the other day it was 7. Dr. Werlin told me that everything is going really well. Then I had my bloodwork to check my hormones. A couple of hours passed and Dr. Werlin already called me and said that my hormones are rising faster than suspected. The part that worries me is that he wants me to stay on the max dosage tonight and then go in in the morning. One of the only side effects from IVF is called Hyperstimulation that is rare. It is where your ovaries stimulate too fast and raise concern that your body will react in a negative way. Worse case scenario is that they cancel and get you back on track and start over. Dr. Werlin is the best and knows what he is doing and I am sure would not put me at risk I just get scared. I wasn't supposed to go back into his office until friday now it will be everyday. My ovaries are very uncomfortable today and as the day progresses I feel it more and more. My arms are so sore from bloodwork and I was happy that they would have a day to rest and now I have to go in the morning for more. I am not complaining it really isn't that bad I just am sore and bruised and hope that all goes well. I am lying around today and relaxing. I am so happy that my body is doing what it should and my lining is perfect for my embryos to implant in. So all is well for now :)

Stimulation Phase

It is Sunday morning and the day after Valentine's Day. Mario and I had very chill Valentine's. We went out for lunch and then to the movies at night. I am on day 3 of stimulation phase which is the phase where the most side effects occur for most people anyways. My ovaries are now being stimulated to mature as many eggs as the possibly can in the next week. The doctor says by mid week I should feel bloated and heavy. Emotions probably will be unstable also. I already had my first breakdown on friday. We went to the doctor and then breakfast. My bloodwork was really painful for some reason and I was scared to start stimulation so I was already emotional. Then I look over at the table next to us and see a pregnant girl and just lose it. I could barely finish my breakfast and tried to stop thinking about it. It was really weird because I see pregnant people all the time but for some reason at that particular time it didn't sit right with me. That same night Dr. Werlin called and said my re-check of hormones was normal and the prolactin that came back high previously was normal this time. So I said a prayer and was thankful that I am normal and that all this will be successful!!! I need God more than anything now and it's hard because you can't talk with him you have to just trust. But he definitly was speaking to me yesterday and showed me many signs that continue to prove that he will not leave my side. I can't begin to express what this whole process does to one's mind and soul. It is not for the weak let me tell you. It is one big gamble and lots of needles and appointments. I give myself two shots a day now and have bloodwork everytime I go to the doctor. We are about 9 or 10 days away from egg retrieval which is crazy. I am constantly absorbed in my courage playlist and get such inspiration from it! Mario surpised me with Rascal Flatts concert tickets for March 14 the day before my 32 Bday! I am scheduled to be on bedrest until about March 11 so we pray that I am able to go to the concert. I have seen so many country stars in concert but never my favorite of all time Rascal Flatts. I am truly their biggest fan and listen to their music over and over again and am so inspired by their lyrics. I know that no matter if I am pregnant or not at their concert that I will cry the entire time because their music is just that great and helps me to live my life to the fullest and cherish the people in it. My husband is the BEST!!!! So tomorrow which I hate Mondays I have to get up extremely early to go to the Dr. and then off to my 12 hour shift. I am not looking forward to it but oh well. I go about my week in anticipation of what stimulation is going to feel like and realize it is all downhill from here. I pray that God blesses my ovaries with lots of mature eggs that will successfully be fertilized by Mario's sperm.

Moving Right Along

So it is day 6 of self injections and I have five of those under my belt. The first one was super easy I think it was from my adrenaline being so high. They tell us not to be a prisoner to your injections but at the same time they want you to try to give them close to the same time everyday. So I have had to give them at work and yesterday in the car before a movie because I refuse to do it in a public bathroom. The third and fourth time were difficult I think because I was thinking about it too much and hesitating. I have been drawing blood which I know is normal but the first two injections never drew blood. It really still is not so bad I start Friday with another injection to start stimulatng my ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I will be doing two injections a day starting Friday. The hormone I am on presently is called Lupron it is a synthetic hormone designed to cause an influx of hormone surges to my body which eventually causes it to shut down completely because it is on overload. The first two days I felt the surge because I had major hot flashes all day. I no longer feel hot flashes I think my body shut down and is now mimicking menopause which is what is supposed to happen. I feel really moody lately and realize it is the hormones but also just the experience. You can't help but feel alone. I have incredible support but nobody really understands and knows what goes on in my head. I feel I am in survival mode latley trying to nest and get things in order. I organized my bedroom and have been collecting things for bedrest. My mom and I went shopping for jammies and had a good day shopping together. I am creating a vision board to focus on. The side effects so far are tolerable I have extreme breast tenderness and hunger pains all the time. I researched that these are common and am not worried sbout it at all it is just sort of annoying. We have a Dr. appoint. in the morning before work for ultrasound and I think maybe blood work.
The past couple of days I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and reminising about life and where I've been and where I'm headed and it's so amazing how life cycles around. I am facing the one thing that I said I would never do and am in the midst of it and surviving. I think of the day I married the love of my life and feeling so incredibly happy and safe and holding his hands in mine during our ceremony of the hands and concentrating on thoses words and knowing that it was true but never knowing to the extent of what those hands would really have to do. It puts a whole new perspective on that ceremony for me now! And then I move on to my honeymoon in Hawaii which although we have done a lot of traveling together, there is something about your honeymoon that is special and different from the rest. The feeling of joy is unexplainable waking up each morning next to the person that you will spend the rest of your life with and lying on the warm sand together talking about the wedding and what lies ahead. I often picture myself back there time to time again yearning for that peaceful place that is so surreal to me now. We quickly bought our first home together in our hometown of where we met and were so proud of our new home. We decorated it with all our favorite things and loved to spend time together there. Trying for babies became our next endeavor and it was really exciting at first. Worry took over after a year passed and we seeked medical help. Months and many prcedures later passed by and the depression set in. We tried to relax and go on vacations and enjoy married life but all the while being surrounded by all our closest friends and family experiencing everything we wanted and couldn't have. This then turned into debt. because to keep our minds busy we went on many vacations, concerts, and shopping sprees. This of course did not cause happiness it caused worse depression which then went very deep and consumed our lives. We then had to sell our house so that we could get our heads up and back on track. This is where the cycle of life comes in to play. The house that we bought with envisions of creating and raising a family in turned into a nightmare. We learned that a house and material things do not make you successful or happy. And that house that we bought for our future family ended up actually giving us this opportunity to pay for the ability to try In Vitro and hopefully will give us the family that we yearn for. Without our house we would never been able to pay for this journey so God knew exactly why we would buy this house and sell this house so soon after. A blessing in disguise for sure. The years to follow were amazing and adventureous. We got very close to a new set of friends that are the reason we got out of depression. They are all happily married young couples who have so much in common with us. We knew automaticly that we were going to be life long friends! And now here I am in present time enduring one of the most difficult journeys yet and life has cycled around in these 6 years and it brings me back to a place where I yearn to be a mother once again stronger than ever but with a new perspective on life that nobody can take away or even begin to understand!!! And after losing a life that was so precious to our family I know that another will be born.

CEREMONY OF THE HANDS
These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your child for the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family.




These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through

the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy.


These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief overwhelm you.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Mario, please hold Jill's hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.


These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she promises to love you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

I DID IT!!!!

It is the night of Wed. Feb. 4th and as I look back on this unbelievable week I can't help but feel like I conquered the world! We had a great weekend with great friends and Super Bowl Party 2009. After my horrible experience last Wed. during an attempted procedure I had lost all confidence in myself and the whole process. It was heartwrenching and I felt like an emotional disaster. On Friday our good friends Jose and Amy Duran asked us over for dinner and had all of our best friends there to have a delicious steak dinner with. It was a good way to start a long weekend of needed confidence and support. Jose made it that more special by beginning dinner with a toast to Mario and I and dedicating the dinner to us. I can honestly say that God has truly blessed us with amazing friends in our life and it doesn't even feel right calling them that....they are FAMILY!!! Each and everyday that I wake up knowing what journey I am in is a constant reminder that I have such unbelievable people in my life that only want what is best for me and I can't begin to express what that feels like. They constant send their love and thoughts our way. I knew that this weekend was going to be rough and challenging due to the fact that I needed to re-align my thoughts and body with what lied ahead on Monday and the rest of the week. I scheduled a massage at a Shiatsu center on Sunday with Denise and it was soothing and worked out a lot of stress that I had built up from the previous week. Denise reminded me that I was going to be OK. Mario and I then headed to the Tapanes house for a very exciting and fun super bowl party. I have to say that the weekend was what I needed but my anxiety was taking over on Sunday night. Monday morning I took the Valium that Dr. Werlin gave me and waited for it to take over. I never really felt the effects of the Valium which is sort of scary but I guess that is what I get for being a pill popper. Dr. Werlin actually did the procedure himself and used a smaller catheter on me. He apologized and said he probably should've known that I was smaller than the average girl and was so caring and gentle. So as I lie on the gurney with my rosary beads falling out of my pocket, Dr. Werlin told me I'd be fine. Once the saline was injected I did have pain and it soon was over. It definitley was more tolerable than the other one. Thank you Jesus that I got through it!!!!
Then on to Tuesday which was another day of overcoming fears. Mario and I got up at the crack of dawn and drove on over for an ultrasound and then on to injection class. We sat in a conference room with 3 other infertile couples and learned all about our medications and injections. I can't express what it felt like to be sitting in a room with people that were going through exactly what we were. For that small moment I felt like I belonged and was not abnormal or alone. I sat quietly and listened to the instructions and my mind soon started to drift off like it does so often and as I looked aound the room at the faces of the people around me, I couldn't help but wonder what their stories were. I said a silent prayer that all of us in the class got pregnant and then tried to focus on watching Mario learn how to inject into a fake butt. I couldn't help but cringe and think about the shot that I was to give myself for the first time that same night. After class we went and took advantage of the free breakfast at Denny's and enjoyed it and only had to wait 15 minutes. Six O'clock seemed to roll around quickly that day and I knew I had to give myself my first shot. The nurse explained to us that it is a mind game and once we do it the first time it will be fine. I was making dinner for Mario trying to keep my mind busy and while he wasn't paying attention I ran into our bedroom and without thinking twice gave myself the injection! My adrenaline must of been pumping because I did it so fast and then proceeded to go crazy around the house screaming that I DID IT!!! Mario was shocked and it took me awhile to relax. I scratched myself really hard at first I'm not sure why but I did. And then I cleaned my stomach, pinched it and stuck the needle in. It was crazy because once I stuck the needle in I stood there and stared at it in my stomach and then realized i needed to inject the medicine. I have to admit that it really wasn't so bad and I have already done it twice now and am so proud of myself that I have faced my biggest fear in life. My mom was shocked and we talked on the phone about why she knows I must really want this bad because her daughter NEVER would have imagined in her wildest dreams that I could give myself a shot!! I am extremely nervous for the big intramuscular shots that are much larger and are the ones that people talk about that are painful and really difficult. I am taking it one step at a time and will face it when it gets here.
Today was my last day off work and Mario and I took the dogs to Fashion Island. We walked around and when we first got there we saw a lady with a triple stroller with triplets. Mario looked at me and said is that a sign? It was funny to see and we laughed it off. We are sad to think that our dogs are going to have to adjust when we have kids but we will make it work. The range of emotions is undescribable! We just got back from dinner and the thought of knowing I am giving myself injections and living thru it is amazing and exciting. I keep thinking of how bad I want this to work. I ended up getting a stomach ache after dinner and barely made it home in time to use the restroom. Words can't desribe how proud of myself I am after last weeks depression and I am one step closer to my dream coming true!!!!

Desperately Seeking Strength

It has been over a week since I have attempted to write a blog and as I make this attempt I cry for so many reasons! Some tears are from excitement of actually knowing there is a possibility that I might have the joy of being pregnant next month, a few others are from disappointment from today's Dr. visit where I wimped out and could not bear the horrific pain of a procedure and was sent home to re-schedule, other tears are from the frustration of being sick this week and my mind not being in a good place, and lastly they fall from being angry and resentful that this journey is so painful both physically and emotionally! And I guess because I haven't gotten my thoughts out in awhile the flood gates have now opened and I can't stop them. Going back to last week I had blood work done and an ultrasound. My blood work came back with all my hormones being normal and I had lots of follicles on my ovaries without being stimulated so Dr. Werlin says that I should have lots of eggs to harvest when we get to that point. My prolactin was slightly elevated but because I have no symptoms from it he thinks that it was a fluke and he is going to re-do that hormone check next week. Then my nurse calls me and gives me a calendar for the dates that everything will be occurring. Immediately after I hung up the phone my heart started to race and it felt more real than ever! I started the birth control pills and we scheduled a date night to celebrate our starting IVF and had some drinks and laughs with one of my best friends and her husband. It was exactly what we needed and we went to a comedy show and cheered to a blessed year ahead. The next day I woke up feeling like I was getting sick. I am extremely in tune with my body and mind and when I get scared my immune system drops and I tend to get sick. That is excatly what happened. I also then started to pop pills trying to fight getting the flu because you can't be sick during IVF. I woke up vomiting and miserable and haven't been right since. So when we woke up this morning to go have my uterus flushed I was apprehensive but positive that I could do it after everything I have done in the past. I assist in this procedure at work myself and have had similar procedures done on myself so I thought I could do this. Once the nurse put the catheter in my cervix i screamed and I swear it was the most horrible pain I have ever had!!! I really wanted to do it and get it over with but the pain was soooo intense that I just couldn't. Seeing the disappointnment in Mario's face was terrible and I just can't believe I couldn't suck it up for a few minutes. Now I have to go back and try again and I am so scared. I didn't take any pain medication prior to it because I have been on so many things that I didn't want to upset my stomach. So i sit here so sad and and scared shitless that the rest of the procedures are going to be that painful. I just had a really good talk with Jen and she reassured me that it is OK that it hurt, and that everytime is different. I will just take something before and get my mind in a better place and do it! She is so right but my mind is crazy right now. My uterus feels tense, I am spotting, I can't breathe because my nose is plugged i am a mess. I got a big package in the mail yesterday of all my medications and needles. It is so surreal that it all is in my livng room waiting for its turn.

Time has passed the Dr. called and I had to stop blogging for awhile. He was very nice and said that he would like to try it again with a sedative next time. He is scheduling me for Monday and that means that I won't be working for three days straight next week. I swear if it isn't mental it is finacial...I guess that is how this game of life is played. I am going to have a nice weekend and try to get balanced again because next week is the procedure and injections start. So until next time I need all the prayers and positive energy I can get.

"Change"

On this very hopeful day of inauguration of President Obama, I can't help but be inspired with the rest of the country that Change is coming! And although I did not vote for Obama and am still a bit questionable on his intentions I am going to back him up and give him the benefit of the doubt as our President 100%. I have to admit I admire those he has picked for his team and cabinet members and also having had Rick Warren as the minister today I feel pleased and somewhat at ease. Today is about hope and change and I can't help but feel that it is speaking to me at a very personal level! If you truly know me then you know I am very passionate about everything I put forth in life from shoes to carreer. I concentrate very much so on tasks at hand and controlling things that occur in my life. Well the In Vitro journey is not any different. I have been so focused and constantly thinking about the journey and my fears and hopes that it is difficult to focus on anything else. Mario tells me this is normal because I have so many appoints. and things ahead that are unknown to me. But it has become difficult to go about my normal life routine. So today I am giving it up to God and asking him to clear my head and replace it with peace and hope! I know those thoughts will creep back in but i am really going to fight it and try to give it up to God. So today I am inspired to focus on hope and change coming into my life in a blessed way. Knowing that I deserve all that will come forth and to not fight it but to embrace it. Over the past years while desperately trying for my own children I have experienced pretty much all of my own friends creating their families and going to and giving more showers than I can count along with birthday parties, and even having the blessed experience of helping to bring some of the little munchkins into the world! It has been trying at times and testing but i have made it through and I pray that if I am somewhat distant at times that people don't take it personally. I am going to be so pumped with hormones and very busy with schedules that I forsee Mario and i being a little more self indulged in the upcoming months and I hope that my loved ones will understand it is about self preservation and nothing more! This day is extremely important in that if we do have children soon, our country has had a huge change and they will be affected by it. And I hope that all is positive and advantagous for my children as well as the future of this country. So tomorrow I have a dr. appoint for more blood work, an ultrasound and I am starting birth control. Then at night I am going to see James Van Praagh a medium with a very close friend of mine who recentlty lost her husband. I am a bit skeptical but hope that she gets some sort of comfort from it all.

A week Away

Another Dr. appoint has passed and we were finally given the OK to begin the In Vitro treatments next week! He went over all the hairy details with us and is pretty confident that it will happen for us. Good news is that no genetic disorders were found in our blood and Mario's sperm did penetrate the hamster egg. Dr. Werlin also expressed to us how happy he is that we chose IVF because he says that Mario's sperm was not top notch. He is pretty confident that the sperm issue is our underlying problem. He said if that really is all it is then we will br pregnant very soon. Mario has had a varicoceole in his left testicle ever since he worked in the furniture shop. He remembers a pop when he lifted a heavy piece of furniture. From that point on he has always had discomfort. Now they say men can still get women pregant with varicoceole's but it is also a common cause of infertility! Veins basically pushed into the sack and heat up the testicle and cause the sperm damage because they need to stay cool. Dr. Werlin said his swimmers are slow but when put with an egg they could break through and fertilize! We are hoping that I don't have any problems either but you never know. From basic tests it all looks great but we could start the process and find other problems. We are praying that there are no other causes of infertility going on. Dr. Werlin said he is going to manually inject Mario's sperm right into my eggs just in case.
So as soon as I start my period which should be about Wed. I will go into his office for an ultrasound and they will start me on birth control pills for two weeks. This is so that the Dr. can keep me from ovulating on my own. Then about 5 days later I will go in for a procedure where they flush my uterine cavity to check for polyps. I have had something similar and it is uncomfortable so I am not looking forward to it. On the socond week of birth control they will give my a medication called Lupron which will stimulate my ovaries to make as many eggs as possible. I will inject this into my stomach every day for about 10 days. They will monitor me by blood and ultrasound every other day to make sure I am stable. Then along with that drug I will start injecting another drug also to stimulate my brain to release certain hormones. Once they see that I have multiple follicles on both ovaries that are close to being mature. I will give myself another shot to stimulate me to ovulate. We will go in to his office where I will be put to sleep and they will extract my eggs from me in hopes that they are as mature as they think and that I have at least 10 to 20. After that Mario will give them his sperm and they will join the two in an incubator and wait for them to divide. A couple of days later either 3 or 5 depending on how they divide into embryos. If they put the embryos in me at day 3 then the embryos will be less divided so they will put 3 in. If they choose to put them in me on day 5 then the embryos will be divided quite a bit so they will put 2 in me. Then I go home and be on bed rest for 12 days until we go in for a pregnancy test. While on bed rest I will start injecting Progesterone in oil intramuscular in order to help the embryos to implant. These are the shots everyone dreads but by that time hopefully I won't care. This whole process can take 6 to 8 weeks so hopefully I will know around or shortly after my birthday. I might be spending it in bed waiting but I know it will be worth it.
So we are very excited and nervous all at the same time. We are getting the fortune together so we can make payment when I go in next week. I can't express how meaningful it has been to us to have such wonderful caring friends. Each and every day we receive messages of love and encouragement from our bestest friends. It really makes us realize who our true friends are and we literally feel their love like they were with us this whole time!! It definitly makes something that is scary feel like no big deal when you have support.

Hits Close to Home

This video really touched home for me. She is in her fourth year of infertility and I am on 5 almost 6 years so we are fairly close. They started with all the same treatments and procedures that we did in 2004 so now on to 2009 where we will undergo more.

First Blood Draw

It was dark and cold this morning when we first heard the alarm clock. We both took a deep breath and got up at 6 even though we are not morning people! We decided it would be a good idea to start waking up early before the actual in vitro process starts because we are going to have to be at the Dr. office every morning by 6 for blood work and ultrasounds. So this morning we went for a really beautiful hike really close to our house and hiked 4 miles. It was so calm inside the park and it was just what I needed to make me calm before my blood draw appoint. We saw 2 different sets of deer each with at least 4 in the groups. Hints of the horrible fires from last year were all around us and it reminded me that although fires and destructive events occur in life.....life repairs itself and moves on in a bigger way and with much more growth which is what the trees and nature showed me today!
Now I know that most people can have blood work with no problem and I applaud you, however it is not that simple for me. I am absolutley terrified of needles!!! I know that it really isn't that bad and very quick but when it comes to that time my heart races, my hands get sweaty and I start to panic. And the whole time my poor husband realizes that there really isn't anything he can do to help. So we get to our appoint. and I purposely made mine before Mario's so that it would be over with, and of course they took Mario back first. As i sat in the waiting room I said a prayer and at the same time prayed to Mary. I know a lot of people don't believe in that but I will try anything. I don't think God minds but they say she is the mother of miracles and if anyone needs one I sure feel like I do. So after my brief prayers I was rummaging about in my purse looking for a mint because my mouth was dry. I came across a dedication card for a very close friend of mine who we call The Fatha' who just passed away recently. On the back side of it was a picture of Mary. I felt a sense of peace and placed the card in my pocket so that I could have both of them with me. They called my name and it happened to be a blessing that Mario went before me because he warned the lab tech. She was extremely nice and helped to calm me. Mario and her asked me about my future babies and I did it like a champ!! At least that is what Mario told me :) It felt like it took forever and when it was all over I was shocked at how much they took. Mario and lab tech didn't want to tell me before but they had to take 9 vials. They are testing us for infectious diseases and to see I am a carrier for chromosomal abnormalites like cystic fibrosis and others. I am so happy that it is over but I have to do it again in about a week and a half. The tech told me I will be really used to it by the end. The rest of our day was fabulous we saw Benjamin Button and relaxed. In the movie Benjamin says that all opportunities in life make an impact on our life whether we use them or not. I truly believe that and if we never tried this I think I would always question the outcome and it is definitley already impacting our lives!

2009

So it's a new year with new beginnings right? Well that is what I keep telling myself. We had a very relaxing New Years eve with a nice dinner celebrating six years of marriage and some games afterwards with good friends. We have been working really hard on Swanky Kitty lately and spent many hours hanging out with our marketing team and friend Jesse who is pumping us up on getting this business up and running soon. We got a lot accomplished and are excited to see the finished product. We think that by keeping ourselves submersed in Swanky Kitty that we will more easily get through in vitro by staying focused.
So tomorrow the first of many shots is coming! We have an appointment to get our blood drawn at 11a.m. They are testing us for infectious diseases and chromosome syndromes that could be passed on to our offspring. I keep telling myself that I better get used to it but if you truly know me then you know that needles are a very severe phobia for me. I know by the end of this I will be a pro at least I hope so, but it makes this first process difficult for me. Hopefully whoever gets me is gentle!!! So I foresee a night of major anxiety and not a lot of sleep ahead of me tonight. And this whole waiting game to start in vitro is horrible. It's like I know it is ahead of me and I just really want to get started but everything is timed. Mario has been really busy painting lately but has a had amazing dinners ready for me when I get home from work and has been helping out around the house. I am so thankful that he tries to take the stress of chores and other household things off of my mind. I love Him!!