Happy New Year 2009

As I look back on 2008 I realize that it was a pretty good year until about September. The ecomony really took a dump which affected us all and then we lost Juan. It seemed like a domino effect after that. A close friend of ours also died whom we held close to our hearts right after Juan. We will never forget the Fatha'. Then we decided to seek infertility treatment again which has brought up a bunch of new emotions. Last New Years we were ringing it in with our best friends!! We had a masquerade party and it was pretty perfect! We spent a lot of time with friends and even went to San Francisco and Napa which was unforgettable. We went to Hawaii with my parents and relaxed on the beach the whole time. Christmas ended up being so much fun. We spent Christmas Eve with the Moreno Family and then Christmas day with the Browns. The next day we went to my cousins and celebrated with them over drinks and games. It was nice to be around so much family and good company!
I know 2009 is not going to be easy. Mario and I are trying to prepare ourselves so that it isn't so difficult. We talk a lot about our plan to stay around home and relax. We have bought lots of games and movies that we love and he has been really supportive when I get discouraged. We have been working on Swanky Kitty and feel like this year is going to be special for it. The personalized pieces are coming out amazing and we are collaborating with some great people and companies with wonderful ideas and possibilites! It feels like forever when you are preapared for something and have to wait! New years Eve is in a couple of days and it is also our 6 year wedding anniv. from our mexico wedding. We have come a long way since that night. Marriage has been beeter than I expected and such a lesson for both of us. It showed me how strong we are together and how our faith holds us together at all times. It has been both fun and challenging and I can't wait to see where we are in another 6 years! Mario has planned a nice dinner out at one of my favorite places and it seems like it will be low key this year. I am looking forward to a New Year of change and adventure. I am going to start watching what I eat so I can be healthy through in vitro and my work schedule should be less stressful. I hope 2009 is filled with health and prosperity and a growing belly!!!

Most Wonderful Time of The Year

Christmas time has always been Mario and I's favorite holiday! Growing up Christmas was always very celebrated and was some of my most fondest memories as a child. Since Mario and I have been together we have alwasy spoiled each other way too much but still continuously do it over the years. We hope that this is the last year that we will be doing this; hopefully we will have little boogers to by for next year! Growing up the true meaning of Christmas was never really emphasized but as I got older I understood what it really was about. Mario and I try to keep that in perspective and celebrate the most wonderful life of them all. Without him we would've never been able to come out of struggle still smiling!! We want our children to know and love him as we do.
December to me is spending time with family and friends, Christmas music which I love, fireplaces, warm holiday drinks, games, sparkly lights and shiny bows, laughter, peace, making buckeyes one of our family traditions, and holding those I love close to me. I can't wait to share these awesome things with a family. This year we gave ourselves a budget which was actually a blessing because normally we are so stressed and in debt after the holidays but this year we won't be. It really isn't about that anyways and it is a shame that we have made it like that. So tomorrow we are going to Mario's parents' house on xmas Eve and I know it won't be the happiest, but just all of us being together will be enough. It won't be the same without Juan and Monique but that is why we have to pull together and remember we are still family no matter how small.
So cheers to a blessed Christmas and a healthy year ahead!

A New Friend!

So my day is coming to a close after a long twelve hour shift at work and the MRI tech comes over to me and says her patient went thru in vitro. I asked if the patient was still here and if she would talk to me. The patient immediatley said yes and we had a great conversation. It is refreshing to know that there are people out there who know what I am going through and who are willing to listen and help me out. She is the same age as me which is greatand her underlying condition is also unknown which helps me to relate to her better. It took her three tries and now she is blessed with twins!!! She was the sweetest most kind person who told me it is way worth it. It scares me to think that she had to endure it three times and that she actually miscarried the second time. That is my worst nightmare and with tears in her eyes I could tell it was hers also. She told me the journey is tough but to keep going; that here doctors' told her it's not a matter of if; it is a matter of when which is a great way to look at it. She gave me her email address and that if I ever needed anything to email her which gives me a little bit of peace. I truly feel like God gives us struggle so that it brings us closer to each other through it. And if she wouldn't have gone through this we wouldn't have met and we wouldn't be able to bond through our struggles. Today was a brighter day!!!

The dreaded Visitor

My dreaded monthly visitor is arriving and I can't help but be sad. I really deep down hoped that God would spare me the stressful and difficult jourey that lies ahead. I thought that when this day came that I would be angry and it would make me want to call up Dr. Werlin and tell him I am ready and lets get started but it did the opposite!! I keep questioning if I am making the right decision. It is an exorbadant amount of money and an extremely scary experience ahead. It is not 100% which really scares me because if it doesn't work am I going to regret doing it all or will I see it as a life lesson? And will it cause gmore grief and stress in my marriage. Should I just be happy with what God has given me and move on with life?After 66 months of the dreaded heartache that accompanies my unwanted visitor I am so irritated that this is happening to me. And to make the situation more difficult I sat for 30 minutes today listening to two girls at work talk about their parenthood plans about not wanting anymore children after 30 years old and only wanting two girls and thinking to myself why does God give them what they want. I really wanted to have kids by the time I was 30 too but I didn't have that choice. And when you listen to them from my perspective it sounds very different. It seems selfish and if they would just think about it for once about what they are talking about and in front of who maybe they would get it but they don't! Life is really unfair in a lot of ways and I try to stay uplifting but I just don't want to have to do in vitro. We have to struggle financially, emotionally, and physically just to have a family if it doesn't kill us before we get there. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day!

God is Listening

So here I am again sitting at work starting a new day. Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. On Sunday I went to the most amazing baby shower. Now normally you wouldn't hear those two words in the same sentence from me but I really enjoyed myself. A few years ago I avoided baby showers and birthday parties at all costs! They induced major anxiety which lasted days after the event. I always felt so terrible not wanting to be a part of my friends special events but as I read in a book everybody else goes to these events and then goes on about their lives; whereas I would go into a depression for days that would affect me terribly. It was a constsant reminder that all my firends were going about their perfect little lives and I was experiencing major road blocks in my own. So I learned to protect myself. So Sunday when this baby shower came up I was amazed that I was excited to go and celebrate and had a great time! This makes me so happy because I know this time around I am in a much better place emotionally. Don't get me wrong I have many moments when I am sad and sorry for myself but I try to stay positive and look at it as a life journey that is going to make me stronger. I just hope I am still this way after I am being pumped with hormones everyday :)
So after leaving the baby shower Mario and I were talking and i just expressed that it is so hard to be alone in this. I haven't met anyone that has gone through this and I just want to know that it is going to be OK. Well I got to work yesterday and no joke 4 out of 8 patients had all experienced in vitro. Now I have been doing ultrasound for 8 years and you would think that I would come across infertility patients more often. I can't even remember the last time I had a patient with it. So to have half my patients in one day was definitley God answering my fears from the day before. The last patient of the day was exactly my age and pregnant with triplets! She was very reserved and didn't normally like to discuss it but her and her husband opened up to me. It made me feel good because she got pregnant the first try and she really didn't want triplets but felt blessed and was dealing with it. Her doctor was not impressed with egg quality after she retrieved them and highly suggested putting three embyros in to give her a better shot at one taking. The couple only wanted two put in but trusted their doctor and were told they had a 1% chance of having triplets. Well here they are! The best news is that they all took on the first try. I rarely hear about in vitro working on the first shot. Mario and I have discussed the multiple birth thing and will be happy with whatever we get obviously. We are apprehensive about the triplet thing because first we cannot afford it and second it is a huge risk for the babies! But GOd won't give us more than we can handle and we trust him. And if you are reading this someday and are my children from a triplet birth know that we love you and wouldn't trade anything in the world for the experience. You were all wanted!!!! At the beginning of this I prayed really hard and spoke with God about giving me signs and making this really difficult journey peaceful for us in some way. He continues to show me he is listening and it feels incredible when you get such big signs as he has given us which is what I asked for.

The blessing of being God Parents

So our babies came over today to visit! We don't see them often but they know that we would do anything for them and that we love them more than ever. We are blessed to be the God Parents of four children. Two of which we longer communictae with because of Mario's brother's death. It is extremely unfortunate and breaks our hearts. We hope someday they will realize that we never left them and that we will always be available to them at any time in their lives. It is truely a blessing to know that parents think we are special enough to make us the God parents' of their most precious gifts. Cade is actually our first and is Mario's little mini me. Cade has always looked up to Mario and seeing them today together makes my heart glow. We are so proud of his accomplishments in life. He loves football and is dedicated to it. I remember when he first started and Mario and I would watch him at practice at the park. We didn't ever think the little guy would get it. Boy did he prove us wrong! Cade is a loving and a very giving child. He has had to endure many tortuous days with his mother and I teasing him and being crazy. He is a well rounded child and we are so proud to be a part of his life. Sasha Darling is my newest precious god Baby. Holding her today gave me chills and seeing her smile and laugh at her Auntie was incredible. She is beautiful and very spoiled. But who am I to say I wouldn't do the same :) She is in her first beauty pageant on Sunday and I won't be there but I know she will be a winner no matter what! Good Luck Sashie!!!! I am sad for the day that they will move away because their Daddy fights for our country and is only here temporarily. Seeing them grow up is very cool because their mom was my first friend ever. We met by our mom's enrolling us in a mail book club. Who would've known we only lived a block away and would grow up together. It means so much to have these children in our lives and many others who may not be our God children but are just as important to us.

Our Baby Girl Monique who looks so much like her Daddy who is watching her from Heaven and leading her on the right path. We will always be here to rescue her when the time comes....until then God keep her close to you and safe from harm.

A doctor Right Up our Alley!

Today we finally met Dr. Werlin! From the moment we walked in we felt like family. The office was decorated for the holidays and the nurses and staff welcomed us from the beginning. What a difference from 3 years ago when we first went to a separate doctor for the same issues. First of all I will never have to see any other doctor but him through the whole experience which is fantastic. The last office we never saw the same doctor and it was so cold. The nurses of course loved Mario and his infamous style. They were so energetic and helpful! So we went into Dr. Werlin's own office to wait for him and we felt right at home. We found a doctor from our own hearts. His office was so cluttered and filled with pictures, collectibles, and so many dolls that looked just like him. Mario and I laughed and joked that it looked like our house! Dr. Werlin is a rolling stones fanatic and wears rolling stones pins on his lab coat and his long gray hair and spectacle glasses are classic. You could tell how his patients adored him and how dedicated he is to his work. He told me that we were going to be attached at the hip throughout the process and would be best buds by the end.
We had a great consultation and he explained to us about where he thought we should head with this journey. He told us we could do insemination again but with injections this time. He also said I needed surgery to explore if I had any abnormalities that could have kept it from working the last time. It is quite expensive and we only have a 5-15% chance of getting pregnant with it. Our next option which he suggests is in vitro. With in vitro we have a 45-50% chance of getting pregnant. He said I won't need the surgery for it but you do have surgery when they extract my eggs. He explained different packages and we are leaning towards the largest because it gives us the best chance and they will freeze our embryos for siblings or future IVF cycles. Financially we will be wiped out but hopefully with a little blessing in our arms. He did an ultrasound on me and told me I was ovulating tomorrow so go home and have lots of fun. So we figure this will be the last month of old fashioned love making so let's make the best of it! :) Lots of decisions to make. Many blood tests are scheduled in the next couple of weeks and my wonderful husband has to give a semen sample and then they are going to put it with a hamster egg to see if his soldiers can penetrate it. WOW that is quite scientific. And that's the thing this is all so scientific. I never thought my babies would have to be made this way. But this is the path my life is heading for and with each breath we breathe we will move right along through it.

The infamous Dr. Werlin himself

one of the many silly dolls Dr. Werlin has in his office. This is his Rolling Stones version holding a baby! He is awesome.

First Doctor Appointment

So tomorrow is the big day! We meet the highly respected and recommended Dr. Werlin. So many emotions are running through my mind. Excitement, anxiousness, and of course scared for what might lie ahead. But I am keeping things in prospective and taking it one step at a time. Our last infertility Doctor was also great but I never really felt comfortable with him and he never really explained much to us so I have prayed that if Dr. Werlin is the right one I will feel a peace about him when I meet him tomorrow. I can't believe we are actually doing this again. It is so difficult and consuming in EVERY way. It feels different this time though I can actually see my future and it has a baby this time. It is sort of ironic that the very thing I would struggle with in life happens to be my carreer. I scanned a girl last night and she was very pregnant and it just so happens that I scanned her at a weak moment when I realized that the previous nightmare of being surrounded by pregnant women is once again occurring. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for each and every women that gets to have the expereince of carrying a child it just constantly reminds me of what I can't have and what I would do to have something that just comes natural to most couples. I know that the day will come when I will be able to hold something that Mario and I have created because GOD IS GREAT and he won't let me down on this. Like they say when one life ends another is born and we have dealt with some precious lost lives this year and life is coming!!! I feel so blessed to have Mario as my partner through this, he is awesome and we are so connected from all of this that others will never understand what we have together. He made me a courage playlist that I am going to listen to through my blood tests and it really means a lot to me to have him make something so small but yet so special. He put our wedding song on it and it is ironic that they have a new remix of it that is based on motherhood.

One of my best friends sent me this website in thoughts that it would help heal our pain. This was the most beautiful right on movie clip. I felt like I had made this video. I had to add this link to our blog. http://www.tearsandhope.com/ watch the movie clip

A Big Step

Have you ever wanted something so badly and as much as you tried to keep your mind off of it; it always replayed back those yearning thoughts? Infertility is a sort of yearning that is unexplainable unless you have first handingly experienced it. For six years we have wanted a child and although we have gone on about our lives and done really amazing things that would not have been accomplished had we not been forced through this path, the yearning is recently stronger than ever. And perhaps it stems from losing someone dear to us and realizing how short life can be! I vividly remembering crying out for the Lord to save him and sacrifice my unborne children in return for his life in the hospital room. I guess the Lord had another plan. And that is just it; throughout our marriage we have learned that it is not about us at all. It is about what God has planned for our lives. That has been the most challenging part of this struggle is that it is not on our terms but His. So as we look forward to starting this new journey with a new doctor we hope that this is the path that he wants us to take. Most people know this was not an option for us at all, but there is this very strong pulling and feeling in our hearts that this is what we are suppose to do. The journey will be difficult and we know our wonderful friends and family are behind us holding us up. We are so thankful for each and every one of them and hope that by reading this blog they will know our journey and it won't be so difficult for us to have to fill everyone in on what is happening. So Dr. Werlin here we come!