Desperately Seeking Strength

It has been over a week since I have attempted to write a blog and as I make this attempt I cry for so many reasons! Some tears are from excitement of actually knowing there is a possibility that I might have the joy of being pregnant next month, a few others are from disappointment from today's Dr. visit where I wimped out and could not bear the horrific pain of a procedure and was sent home to re-schedule, other tears are from the frustration of being sick this week and my mind not being in a good place, and lastly they fall from being angry and resentful that this journey is so painful both physically and emotionally! And I guess because I haven't gotten my thoughts out in awhile the flood gates have now opened and I can't stop them. Going back to last week I had blood work done and an ultrasound. My blood work came back with all my hormones being normal and I had lots of follicles on my ovaries without being stimulated so Dr. Werlin says that I should have lots of eggs to harvest when we get to that point. My prolactin was slightly elevated but because I have no symptoms from it he thinks that it was a fluke and he is going to re-do that hormone check next week. Then my nurse calls me and gives me a calendar for the dates that everything will be occurring. Immediately after I hung up the phone my heart started to race and it felt more real than ever! I started the birth control pills and we scheduled a date night to celebrate our starting IVF and had some drinks and laughs with one of my best friends and her husband. It was exactly what we needed and we went to a comedy show and cheered to a blessed year ahead. The next day I woke up feeling like I was getting sick. I am extremely in tune with my body and mind and when I get scared my immune system drops and I tend to get sick. That is excatly what happened. I also then started to pop pills trying to fight getting the flu because you can't be sick during IVF. I woke up vomiting and miserable and haven't been right since. So when we woke up this morning to go have my uterus flushed I was apprehensive but positive that I could do it after everything I have done in the past. I assist in this procedure at work myself and have had similar procedures done on myself so I thought I could do this. Once the nurse put the catheter in my cervix i screamed and I swear it was the most horrible pain I have ever had!!! I really wanted to do it and get it over with but the pain was soooo intense that I just couldn't. Seeing the disappointnment in Mario's face was terrible and I just can't believe I couldn't suck it up for a few minutes. Now I have to go back and try again and I am so scared. I didn't take any pain medication prior to it because I have been on so many things that I didn't want to upset my stomach. So i sit here so sad and and scared shitless that the rest of the procedures are going to be that painful. I just had a really good talk with Jen and she reassured me that it is OK that it hurt, and that everytime is different. I will just take something before and get my mind in a better place and do it! She is so right but my mind is crazy right now. My uterus feels tense, I am spotting, I can't breathe because my nose is plugged i am a mess. I got a big package in the mail yesterday of all my medications and needles. It is so surreal that it all is in my livng room waiting for its turn.

Time has passed the Dr. called and I had to stop blogging for awhile. He was very nice and said that he would like to try it again with a sedative next time. He is scheduling me for Monday and that means that I won't be working for three days straight next week. I swear if it isn't mental it is finacial...I guess that is how this game of life is played. I am going to have a nice weekend and try to get balanced again because next week is the procedure and injections start. So until next time I need all the prayers and positive energy I can get.

"Change"

On this very hopeful day of inauguration of President Obama, I can't help but be inspired with the rest of the country that Change is coming! And although I did not vote for Obama and am still a bit questionable on his intentions I am going to back him up and give him the benefit of the doubt as our President 100%. I have to admit I admire those he has picked for his team and cabinet members and also having had Rick Warren as the minister today I feel pleased and somewhat at ease. Today is about hope and change and I can't help but feel that it is speaking to me at a very personal level! If you truly know me then you know I am very passionate about everything I put forth in life from shoes to carreer. I concentrate very much so on tasks at hand and controlling things that occur in my life. Well the In Vitro journey is not any different. I have been so focused and constantly thinking about the journey and my fears and hopes that it is difficult to focus on anything else. Mario tells me this is normal because I have so many appoints. and things ahead that are unknown to me. But it has become difficult to go about my normal life routine. So today I am giving it up to God and asking him to clear my head and replace it with peace and hope! I know those thoughts will creep back in but i am really going to fight it and try to give it up to God. So today I am inspired to focus on hope and change coming into my life in a blessed way. Knowing that I deserve all that will come forth and to not fight it but to embrace it. Over the past years while desperately trying for my own children I have experienced pretty much all of my own friends creating their families and going to and giving more showers than I can count along with birthday parties, and even having the blessed experience of helping to bring some of the little munchkins into the world! It has been trying at times and testing but i have made it through and I pray that if I am somewhat distant at times that people don't take it personally. I am going to be so pumped with hormones and very busy with schedules that I forsee Mario and i being a little more self indulged in the upcoming months and I hope that my loved ones will understand it is about self preservation and nothing more! This day is extremely important in that if we do have children soon, our country has had a huge change and they will be affected by it. And I hope that all is positive and advantagous for my children as well as the future of this country. So tomorrow I have a dr. appoint for more blood work, an ultrasound and I am starting birth control. Then at night I am going to see James Van Praagh a medium with a very close friend of mine who recentlty lost her husband. I am a bit skeptical but hope that she gets some sort of comfort from it all.

A week Away

Another Dr. appoint has passed and we were finally given the OK to begin the In Vitro treatments next week! He went over all the hairy details with us and is pretty confident that it will happen for us. Good news is that no genetic disorders were found in our blood and Mario's sperm did penetrate the hamster egg. Dr. Werlin also expressed to us how happy he is that we chose IVF because he says that Mario's sperm was not top notch. He is pretty confident that the sperm issue is our underlying problem. He said if that really is all it is then we will br pregnant very soon. Mario has had a varicoceole in his left testicle ever since he worked in the furniture shop. He remembers a pop when he lifted a heavy piece of furniture. From that point on he has always had discomfort. Now they say men can still get women pregant with varicoceole's but it is also a common cause of infertility! Veins basically pushed into the sack and heat up the testicle and cause the sperm damage because they need to stay cool. Dr. Werlin said his swimmers are slow but when put with an egg they could break through and fertilize! We are hoping that I don't have any problems either but you never know. From basic tests it all looks great but we could start the process and find other problems. We are praying that there are no other causes of infertility going on. Dr. Werlin said he is going to manually inject Mario's sperm right into my eggs just in case.
So as soon as I start my period which should be about Wed. I will go into his office for an ultrasound and they will start me on birth control pills for two weeks. This is so that the Dr. can keep me from ovulating on my own. Then about 5 days later I will go in for a procedure where they flush my uterine cavity to check for polyps. I have had something similar and it is uncomfortable so I am not looking forward to it. On the socond week of birth control they will give my a medication called Lupron which will stimulate my ovaries to make as many eggs as possible. I will inject this into my stomach every day for about 10 days. They will monitor me by blood and ultrasound every other day to make sure I am stable. Then along with that drug I will start injecting another drug also to stimulate my brain to release certain hormones. Once they see that I have multiple follicles on both ovaries that are close to being mature. I will give myself another shot to stimulate me to ovulate. We will go in to his office where I will be put to sleep and they will extract my eggs from me in hopes that they are as mature as they think and that I have at least 10 to 20. After that Mario will give them his sperm and they will join the two in an incubator and wait for them to divide. A couple of days later either 3 or 5 depending on how they divide into embryos. If they put the embryos in me at day 3 then the embryos will be less divided so they will put 3 in. If they choose to put them in me on day 5 then the embryos will be divided quite a bit so they will put 2 in me. Then I go home and be on bed rest for 12 days until we go in for a pregnancy test. While on bed rest I will start injecting Progesterone in oil intramuscular in order to help the embryos to implant. These are the shots everyone dreads but by that time hopefully I won't care. This whole process can take 6 to 8 weeks so hopefully I will know around or shortly after my birthday. I might be spending it in bed waiting but I know it will be worth it.
So we are very excited and nervous all at the same time. We are getting the fortune together so we can make payment when I go in next week. I can't express how meaningful it has been to us to have such wonderful caring friends. Each and every day we receive messages of love and encouragement from our bestest friends. It really makes us realize who our true friends are and we literally feel their love like they were with us this whole time!! It definitly makes something that is scary feel like no big deal when you have support.

Hits Close to Home

This video really touched home for me. She is in her fourth year of infertility and I am on 5 almost 6 years so we are fairly close. They started with all the same treatments and procedures that we did in 2004 so now on to 2009 where we will undergo more.

First Blood Draw

It was dark and cold this morning when we first heard the alarm clock. We both took a deep breath and got up at 6 even though we are not morning people! We decided it would be a good idea to start waking up early before the actual in vitro process starts because we are going to have to be at the Dr. office every morning by 6 for blood work and ultrasounds. So this morning we went for a really beautiful hike really close to our house and hiked 4 miles. It was so calm inside the park and it was just what I needed to make me calm before my blood draw appoint. We saw 2 different sets of deer each with at least 4 in the groups. Hints of the horrible fires from last year were all around us and it reminded me that although fires and destructive events occur in life.....life repairs itself and moves on in a bigger way and with much more growth which is what the trees and nature showed me today!
Now I know that most people can have blood work with no problem and I applaud you, however it is not that simple for me. I am absolutley terrified of needles!!! I know that it really isn't that bad and very quick but when it comes to that time my heart races, my hands get sweaty and I start to panic. And the whole time my poor husband realizes that there really isn't anything he can do to help. So we get to our appoint. and I purposely made mine before Mario's so that it would be over with, and of course they took Mario back first. As i sat in the waiting room I said a prayer and at the same time prayed to Mary. I know a lot of people don't believe in that but I will try anything. I don't think God minds but they say she is the mother of miracles and if anyone needs one I sure feel like I do. So after my brief prayers I was rummaging about in my purse looking for a mint because my mouth was dry. I came across a dedication card for a very close friend of mine who we call The Fatha' who just passed away recently. On the back side of it was a picture of Mary. I felt a sense of peace and placed the card in my pocket so that I could have both of them with me. They called my name and it happened to be a blessing that Mario went before me because he warned the lab tech. She was extremely nice and helped to calm me. Mario and her asked me about my future babies and I did it like a champ!! At least that is what Mario told me :) It felt like it took forever and when it was all over I was shocked at how much they took. Mario and lab tech didn't want to tell me before but they had to take 9 vials. They are testing us for infectious diseases and to see I am a carrier for chromosomal abnormalites like cystic fibrosis and others. I am so happy that it is over but I have to do it again in about a week and a half. The tech told me I will be really used to it by the end. The rest of our day was fabulous we saw Benjamin Button and relaxed. In the movie Benjamin says that all opportunities in life make an impact on our life whether we use them or not. I truly believe that and if we never tried this I think I would always question the outcome and it is definitley already impacting our lives!

2009

So it's a new year with new beginnings right? Well that is what I keep telling myself. We had a very relaxing New Years eve with a nice dinner celebrating six years of marriage and some games afterwards with good friends. We have been working really hard on Swanky Kitty lately and spent many hours hanging out with our marketing team and friend Jesse who is pumping us up on getting this business up and running soon. We got a lot accomplished and are excited to see the finished product. We think that by keeping ourselves submersed in Swanky Kitty that we will more easily get through in vitro by staying focused.
So tomorrow the first of many shots is coming! We have an appointment to get our blood drawn at 11a.m. They are testing us for infectious diseases and chromosome syndromes that could be passed on to our offspring. I keep telling myself that I better get used to it but if you truly know me then you know that needles are a very severe phobia for me. I know by the end of this I will be a pro at least I hope so, but it makes this first process difficult for me. Hopefully whoever gets me is gentle!!! So I foresee a night of major anxiety and not a lot of sleep ahead of me tonight. And this whole waiting game to start in vitro is horrible. It's like I know it is ahead of me and I just really want to get started but everything is timed. Mario has been really busy painting lately but has a had amazing dinners ready for me when I get home from work and has been helping out around the house. I am so thankful that he tries to take the stress of chores and other household things off of my mind. I love Him!!