Moving Right Along

So it is day 6 of self injections and I have five of those under my belt. The first one was super easy I think it was from my adrenaline being so high. They tell us not to be a prisoner to your injections but at the same time they want you to try to give them close to the same time everyday. So I have had to give them at work and yesterday in the car before a movie because I refuse to do it in a public bathroom. The third and fourth time were difficult I think because I was thinking about it too much and hesitating. I have been drawing blood which I know is normal but the first two injections never drew blood. It really still is not so bad I start Friday with another injection to start stimulatng my ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I will be doing two injections a day starting Friday. The hormone I am on presently is called Lupron it is a synthetic hormone designed to cause an influx of hormone surges to my body which eventually causes it to shut down completely because it is on overload. The first two days I felt the surge because I had major hot flashes all day. I no longer feel hot flashes I think my body shut down and is now mimicking menopause which is what is supposed to happen. I feel really moody lately and realize it is the hormones but also just the experience. You can't help but feel alone. I have incredible support but nobody really understands and knows what goes on in my head. I feel I am in survival mode latley trying to nest and get things in order. I organized my bedroom and have been collecting things for bedrest. My mom and I went shopping for jammies and had a good day shopping together. I am creating a vision board to focus on. The side effects so far are tolerable I have extreme breast tenderness and hunger pains all the time. I researched that these are common and am not worried sbout it at all it is just sort of annoying. We have a Dr. appoint. in the morning before work for ultrasound and I think maybe blood work.
The past couple of days I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and reminising about life and where I've been and where I'm headed and it's so amazing how life cycles around. I am facing the one thing that I said I would never do and am in the midst of it and surviving. I think of the day I married the love of my life and feeling so incredibly happy and safe and holding his hands in mine during our ceremony of the hands and concentrating on thoses words and knowing that it was true but never knowing to the extent of what those hands would really have to do. It puts a whole new perspective on that ceremony for me now! And then I move on to my honeymoon in Hawaii which although we have done a lot of traveling together, there is something about your honeymoon that is special and different from the rest. The feeling of joy is unexplainable waking up each morning next to the person that you will spend the rest of your life with and lying on the warm sand together talking about the wedding and what lies ahead. I often picture myself back there time to time again yearning for that peaceful place that is so surreal to me now. We quickly bought our first home together in our hometown of where we met and were so proud of our new home. We decorated it with all our favorite things and loved to spend time together there. Trying for babies became our next endeavor and it was really exciting at first. Worry took over after a year passed and we seeked medical help. Months and many prcedures later passed by and the depression set in. We tried to relax and go on vacations and enjoy married life but all the while being surrounded by all our closest friends and family experiencing everything we wanted and couldn't have. This then turned into debt. because to keep our minds busy we went on many vacations, concerts, and shopping sprees. This of course did not cause happiness it caused worse depression which then went very deep and consumed our lives. We then had to sell our house so that we could get our heads up and back on track. This is where the cycle of life comes in to play. The house that we bought with envisions of creating and raising a family in turned into a nightmare. We learned that a house and material things do not make you successful or happy. And that house that we bought for our future family ended up actually giving us this opportunity to pay for the ability to try In Vitro and hopefully will give us the family that we yearn for. Without our house we would never been able to pay for this journey so God knew exactly why we would buy this house and sell this house so soon after. A blessing in disguise for sure. The years to follow were amazing and adventureous. We got very close to a new set of friends that are the reason we got out of depression. They are all happily married young couples who have so much in common with us. We knew automaticly that we were going to be life long friends! And now here I am in present time enduring one of the most difficult journeys yet and life has cycled around in these 6 years and it brings me back to a place where I yearn to be a mother once again stronger than ever but with a new perspective on life that nobody can take away or even begin to understand!!! And after losing a life that was so precious to our family I know that another will be born.

CEREMONY OF THE HANDS
These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your child for the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family.




These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through

the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy.


These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief overwhelm you.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Mario, please hold Jill's hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.


These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she promises to love you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.