Emotional Rollercoaster!

As the days pass by and I look down and notice my bruises slowly fading away from green to yellow and new ones forming on my hips from the newly intramuscular injections that I began today; I realize that the emotional bruises created from this journey thus far will have an everlasting impact on our souls and never fade! Yes we will go about our lives with the joy of becoming parents and raising respectable honest little beings but the effect this has had is quite overwhelming at times. Today was bittersweet I woke up extremley nervous that this day may be embryo transfer day and not be able to fathom how I will get my body to relax enough to let it occur. Each day gets better but because of the number of eggs they retrieved it has been quite painful for me this past week. I also opened my eyes this morning to the understanding that I was to start the most dreaded aspect of IVF and that is the intramuscular shots. And the worst part is every third day I am to give two intramuscular injections and this happened to be the day. I honestly think that everything happens for a reason and I would not have ever overcome this horrific needle phobia I have had my entire life if it weren't for this journey. I have been confronted with the most cruel realities that this is what needs to happen in order for me to become a mother. Well God knew what I could handle because the phone rang rather early and Dr. Werlin told me that my embryos were doing great and he wanted to wait to do a day 5 transfer. This was the best news we could of ever gotten. A day 5 transfer is more successful but very rare. You have to have a certain number of highly dividing embryos which we do!!! When you have a day 3 transfer they are putting embryos that have barely begun to divide into multiple cells. These embryos rarely get past 8 cell. To give you an idea Dr. Werlin said mine should be at 64+ cells and ready to break free from their protective shell and implant in my uterus. Pretty amazing if you think about it. This gives my body more time to recoup from the operation and get my mind focused.
So I knew that I had to get the injections over with as early in the day as possible so that it wouldn't consume the whole day. Eleven o'clock rolled around and I prepped the medications. I told Mario that I was ready and iced my hip for like 10 minutes. As I bent over the bead I panicked big time and felt like I could not do it. I cried and then would ice again and try to pump myself up. All the while my poor husband was helpless. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. He is very strong and doesn't like to show his emotion. He wanted to be strong for me but it killed him to see me panic!!! I didn't realize it but he has not been feeling good lately and is scared for his health after what happened to his brother. It breaks my heart that he cares so much for me that he can't bear the pain of this struggle. The emotional bruises are so much worse than any injection site. He says it is equal to losing his brother at such an early age. He has engulfed himself in music and everyday I awaken to a new playlist and I feel so blessed to have him. I finally after two full hours of complete panic prayed to God to take over my hand so I could give myself the injection. So I DID IT!!!! And then I quickly called for Mario and told him I did it. Seeing my husband's glossy eyes looking at me proud and relieved that I got thru it was priceless. It is a total control thing for me and has nothing to do with my trust for Mario. I know I would not feel it if he had given it I just had to be in control of it. I had iced my butt so much I didn't even feel it. The worst part is that the hormone is in peanut oil so it is really thick. It takes awhile to inject it and now after my hip is sore. I know after a few weeks it will be really tender after repetitive days of injections. If I get pregnant I will have to continue giving myself these injections until I am through my first trimester. These are the most important hormones that will allow me to carry a pregnancy without rejecting it. They also have been known to make you pretty emotional as if I needed more unstable emotions! I sort of feel lost out of my loop of friends since we really just go to dr. appoints and lay around the house because I don't feel good. I want my normal life back. Five of my closest friends are pregnant right now but that is really every year for me but besides the point I received two baby shower invitations. They fall one on Sat. and one on Sunday which is my birthday and just following my long bedrest completion. It is so emotional to think that after this crazy roller coaster that I will be engulfed with baby showers. Now I will make it to both of them because I love my friends more than anything and want to share in their joy. But if I do not get pregnant this time around I will not be attending. I can't put myself through that torture so I pray that I can share in their blessed showers and celebrate my own journey's end!!! This could be a great birthday gift :)