The Second Trimester

November was here before we knew it and it seemed time was passing by quickly. We have an annual Thanksgiving feast with our friends and we decided it was the perfect time to announce the sex of the baby! Everyone was excited and it was so special to be able to share it with somme of the most special people in our lives! Mario bought Stella beer and as we went around the table saying what we were thankful for it came to Mario's turn. He said how he was thankful for his baby girl Stella and passed the beer around so everyone could cheer together. The hoidays were great I loved eating and the food tasted so good :) and I was no longer feeling sick. I started to show and was feeling more comfortable about the pregnancy and safety of it.



Our annual Moreno Christmas Party came and we did the theme "White Christmas" this year and it turned out great! All the babies that were born the past year were dressed adorable and I can't wait to see Stella with them and how their friendships evolve like all their parents. We are truly blessed to have our friends in our life. They have alwasy supported us through everything we have been through and we feel so lucky to be able to raise our kids at the same time! We celebrated Christmas very differently this year. We had spent a huge amount of money on In Vitro and decided not to buy gifts for each other. We were so happy to be getting the best gift ever that it no longer seemed important.






By this time talk of the shower began and I have always dreamt of how my baby shower would be. I had planned, given, and attended so many baby showers over the years that I felt like it was finally my turn and it would be perfect. And that it was. Finding the place was quite stressful. I remember going to a restaurant called Stella's with Mario and my parents to check it out. We knew her name was already Stella so we thought how perfect it would be to have my shower there! We were driving over there and all of a sudden I start to feel her move for the first time! I screamed beacuse it was startling. It felt like somebody painting inside me. I was around 21 weeks and it was amazing. Needless to say Granpa booked it the next day :)
New Year's Eve was here and we went to The Tapanes Family Party. It was a lot of fun and Stella loved all the latin music playing. I swear she was doing the salsa in my belly all night! I just know she is going to be a great dancer like her Daddy!

Halloween

So I was nearing the end of my first trimester and the holidays were approaching quickly! We attended a Haloween Party and deciced to be the charachters from the movie Juno. I wasn't really showing enough yet so we stuck a deflated ball in my shirt and it looked hilarious! I was still feeling yucky and we had another scare where I had to go to high risk ultraounds and care throughout my second trimester. As if we hadn't been through enough the Lord continues to throw struggle at us but we always prevail thanks to our Faith!

The First Trimester

I eventually went back to work and I was obsessed with scanning my child to make sure everything was OK. I was paranoid the whole pregnancy and without being able to peek at her I would've went crazy! So needless to say we have lots of ultrasound photos. Mario would come in weekly to see her and we also we going to Dr. Werlin still and I was giving myself large injections in my butt still! It was all worth it though. Throughout the first trimester I was extremely tired. I would lie on the couch the entire weekend and had constant nausea but never threw up. I ate a lot during my first trimester, it was the only time I felt good as long as I was eating! I am really lucky that my weight gain hasn't been horrible. I craved lots of salt and lived on cup of noodles which I know is really bad but I loved it! Because I scanned myself constantly we thought I was having a boy at first. I realized that because of the injections of estrogen it made her very swollen! As soon as my injections stopped we could tell she was definitley a girl! That's what I get for looking too soon :)

Nine Months and Waiting

So after an exciting nine months of pregnancy I am attempting to blog again for my sweet daughter Stella Paige who should be making her debut any time now! After a very difficult second round of IVF we received a phone call from Dr. Werlin on Sept. 2,2009 telling us that we were finally pregnant!! Mario collapsed to the floor and I continued to argue with the doctor that I wasn't. It was such a shock for the both of us we didn't know how to react. We immediatley got in the car and drove to my parent's house to tell them. There are no words to describe that day and I think that's why this blog is so difficult to write. Until Stella is in my arms healthy I am still reserved and feel like I have been holding my breath for nine months. Although she continues to remind me its real with her many kicks and movements it is surreal for me. The weeks following I had some complications with my ovaries due to the stimulation process and I also developed a bleed. I was put on bedrest once again and then we finally went in to Dr. Werlin's for an ultrasound. The First time we saw her inside the sac was on Sept. 16th. We continued to go in weekly for ultrasounds until I was 12 weeks and we graduated to an OBGYN.

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Faith

–noun 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.


wait   
–verb (used without object) 1. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often fol. by for, till, or until): to wait for the bus to arrive.
2. (of things) to be available or in readiness: A letter is waiting for you.
3. to remain neglected for a time: a matter that can wait.
4. to postpone or delay something or to be postponed or delayed: We waited a week and then bought the house. Your vacation will have to wait until next month.
5. to look forward to eagerly: I'm just waiting for the day somebody knocks him down.


hope   
–noun 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

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It is the morning of Day 4 bedrest and I am going crazy!!! This morning I woke up extremely anxious and do not want to have to wait any longer. This by far is the worst part. Mario has been fantastic. He is really attentive and has my meals ready before I even ask. I wake up each day from a phone call from Jenn who has been my saving grace. I guess 28 years of friendship says a lot about somebody. She has been uplifting and gives me thoughtful things like mommy to be tea. The dogs have cuddled up to me all day and never want to leave my side. My mom is coming over today to make us more food. Tomorrow I finally get to take a shower and boy do I need it!! Maybe I will feel human again! Like I said this waiting is extremely difficult and I am stiff and my hips are so sore from the injections. My mind is constanly hoping for the best but so nervous. You realize all you have left is Faith, Trust, and Hope.
You have done everything possible up into this point in time and now we must hand it over to God. At he beginning I handed it over to him and that is how I got through the journey and now at the end I must hand it over to him once again. I keep desperatley searching for signs that I am pregnant. And I although I know it is way to early I can't help but hope.

Embryo Transfer

On March 1st, 1993 a young mexican kid who can from immigrant parents was impressionable and still trying to figure out who he was and where he belonged asked a blonde haired girl from a middle class family who was somewhat sheltered and naive to be his girlfriend. It was innocent but yet so unexpected. They were extremly different and came from backgrounds that were so opposite!! What suprised everyone is that it blossumed into one of the most intense and loving relationships ever. And 16 years later on that exact date March 1st, 2009 that they had celebrated as their anniversary for so many years became even more special because 2 embryos that had been artifically matured were implanted in her on that same date. After six years of infertility and never knowing that their love had created anything on this date they knew that those 2 embryos were a symbol of their dedication and determination to each other and to their love. They gowned up and as they wheeled her into the operating room he kissed her hand and she silently said a prayer.

So we made it through embryo transfer. They implanted 2 very strong embryos who are very advanced in stage into my uterus. We couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Now bedrest and the long two week wait for our pregnancy test. I am so excited that we have completed one whole cycle of IVF. I am shocked that I actually did it and now I am here in bed waiting to see the results. Some say this is the most difficult part. I believe this because your mind wanders and you have so much time to think about it. Mario is taking great care of me. He barely lets me get up but my hips and killing me from the injections and not being able to move around. I have my embryos picture next to me and I keep telling myself that they are in there and trying to settle. My parents came yesterday and made me a huge basket of GOOD LUCK stuff like a shamrock plant and other goodies. I thought it was so special because when I was born in March my aunt and uncle brought my mom a shamrock plant for good luck and it still is in our front yard. My mom made us a yummy dinner and the Christina came today. It was so nice to have her in bed next to me talking and laughing together. She is truly a special friend that I feel so blessed to have in my life. Her stomach is starting to show from her baby boy that is brewing in her that I hope my children will be close to one day SOON!!! Mario's parents are on their way over right now so it has been nice to have company.

Emotional Rollercoaster!

As the days pass by and I look down and notice my bruises slowly fading away from green to yellow and new ones forming on my hips from the newly intramuscular injections that I began today; I realize that the emotional bruises created from this journey thus far will have an everlasting impact on our souls and never fade! Yes we will go about our lives with the joy of becoming parents and raising respectable honest little beings but the effect this has had is quite overwhelming at times. Today was bittersweet I woke up extremley nervous that this day may be embryo transfer day and not be able to fathom how I will get my body to relax enough to let it occur. Each day gets better but because of the number of eggs they retrieved it has been quite painful for me this past week. I also opened my eyes this morning to the understanding that I was to start the most dreaded aspect of IVF and that is the intramuscular shots. And the worst part is every third day I am to give two intramuscular injections and this happened to be the day. I honestly think that everything happens for a reason and I would not have ever overcome this horrific needle phobia I have had my entire life if it weren't for this journey. I have been confronted with the most cruel realities that this is what needs to happen in order for me to become a mother. Well God knew what I could handle because the phone rang rather early and Dr. Werlin told me that my embryos were doing great and he wanted to wait to do a day 5 transfer. This was the best news we could of ever gotten. A day 5 transfer is more successful but very rare. You have to have a certain number of highly dividing embryos which we do!!! When you have a day 3 transfer they are putting embryos that have barely begun to divide into multiple cells. These embryos rarely get past 8 cell. To give you an idea Dr. Werlin said mine should be at 64+ cells and ready to break free from their protective shell and implant in my uterus. Pretty amazing if you think about it. This gives my body more time to recoup from the operation and get my mind focused.
So I knew that I had to get the injections over with as early in the day as possible so that it wouldn't consume the whole day. Eleven o'clock rolled around and I prepped the medications. I told Mario that I was ready and iced my hip for like 10 minutes. As I bent over the bead I panicked big time and felt like I could not do it. I cried and then would ice again and try to pump myself up. All the while my poor husband was helpless. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. He is very strong and doesn't like to show his emotion. He wanted to be strong for me but it killed him to see me panic!!! I didn't realize it but he has not been feeling good lately and is scared for his health after what happened to his brother. It breaks my heart that he cares so much for me that he can't bear the pain of this struggle. The emotional bruises are so much worse than any injection site. He says it is equal to losing his brother at such an early age. He has engulfed himself in music and everyday I awaken to a new playlist and I feel so blessed to have him. I finally after two full hours of complete panic prayed to God to take over my hand so I could give myself the injection. So I DID IT!!!! And then I quickly called for Mario and told him I did it. Seeing my husband's glossy eyes looking at me proud and relieved that I got thru it was priceless. It is a total control thing for me and has nothing to do with my trust for Mario. I know I would not feel it if he had given it I just had to be in control of it. I had iced my butt so much I didn't even feel it. The worst part is that the hormone is in peanut oil so it is really thick. It takes awhile to inject it and now after my hip is sore. I know after a few weeks it will be really tender after repetitive days of injections. If I get pregnant I will have to continue giving myself these injections until I am through my first trimester. These are the most important hormones that will allow me to carry a pregnancy without rejecting it. They also have been known to make you pretty emotional as if I needed more unstable emotions! I sort of feel lost out of my loop of friends since we really just go to dr. appoints and lay around the house because I don't feel good. I want my normal life back. Five of my closest friends are pregnant right now but that is really every year for me but besides the point I received two baby shower invitations. They fall one on Sat. and one on Sunday which is my birthday and just following my long bedrest completion. It is so emotional to think that after this crazy roller coaster that I will be engulfed with baby showers. Now I will make it to both of them because I love my friends more than anything and want to share in their joy. But if I do not get pregnant this time around I will not be attending. I can't put myself through that torture so I pray that I can share in their blessed showers and celebrate my own journey's end!!! This could be a great birthday gift :)